Tell Uncle Agony: She Won't Have Sex With Me [fullstop]

I have problems. You have problems. We all have problems. And we all need to know how to deal with them and laugh at them. That's why I'm starting a new section called, "Tell Uncle Agony". I'm so proud of my creativity that I'm literally bursting in my bowels right now.

Uncle Agony is here for you. Tell me your problems (fictional or real) and I'll help answer them for you. Just send me an email at mervkwok at gmail.com.

But because this is a new section and undoubtedly, no one in their right frame of mind would trust me to answer their questions especially those regarding their personal life, I shall just pick out questions I see in teen/female/male magazines I randomly browse through when at the book store.


Today's question (as seen in a teen magazine):

Dear Uncle Agony,

My girlfriend won't have sex with me. What do I do.

Sincerely,
Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

As you and I know, you would have undoubtedly sent this statement to numerous other magazines and I believe that all those other nimwitts would've told you exactly how you should go about convincing your girlfriend to fornicate with you.

I'm not going to do that because I love you just as much as I love seeing half naked man walk around in their briefs with very visible skid marks displayed on their butts. So here's some advice (because spelling it as advise would just be so wrong right now) for you.

1. Learn how to form a proper question. Education in most Commonwealth countries is free. Make the bloody use of it. Don't write to us declaring how you can't bed your girlfriend. We don't want to know! Go back to school. Maybe the reason your girlfriend wont have sex with you is because you have no idea how to use a question mark whenever you ask her. Idiot.

2. Did it ever occur to you that the real reason why your girlfriend wont have sex with you is because she's harbouring 200 different forms of STD virii in her and the moment you stick you prick into her they're just going to end up swimming up your shaft as your spermatoza is swimming down her's? No? Think about it.

3. Ask your parents because they know best.

Thank you Frustrated for your question. I wish you all the best of luck in improving your English. And don't worry about your girlfriend. She's making a wise decision.

Hugs and kisses,
Uncle Agony