Three Things I Plan to Get Myself For My Birthday

I'm ashamed of myself. Whenever I'm feeling nasty, I like to indulge myself in some good old fashion retail therapy, be it buying a ugly shirt or a thousand dollar digital camera. It's a good thing I don't feel nasty often.

Anyway, the following are the 3 things I'm thinking of getting myself for my birthday tomorrow.

Self-Present #1: Mace/Pepper Spray
When I was working in a pharmacy back in my hometown, this girl once came in and asked me for spray anti rogol (anti rape spray). It took me roughly 10 seconds to figure out exactly what she was looking for and another 10 seconds to hold myself back from saying to her face, "Who wants to rape you?!"



You're probably wondering why I would need mace for. After all, whoever attempts to rape me will probably end up crying and me asking them "How was it for you?"

I need this spray to spray into the faces of those bloody bus passengers who fall asleep and end up leaning on you as a pillow. And that sure as heck annoys me. I'm polite. I usually tap them in the shoulder and tell them not to do that which they'll then grunt and do it all over again.

With mace, I can politely tell them NOT to use me as a pillow and make sure they remember all at the same time!

Magic!


Self-Present #2: A Pair of Trainer Bra
With each passing of age sadly also comes the passing on my once hyper active body metabolism. I'm starting to put on weight where I don't want to while my arms and legs stay anorexically skinny.

I'm starting to notice that I'm putting on fats in my chest. The twins like to do a little jiggle on me whenever I go jogging or running and that's just plain annoying. Women, I feel for you lot. It's no wonder at all why most of you lasses don't go exercising.

I was looking myself in the mirror the other day and I cupped my breast in the palms of my hands and said, "One day, you both will be double A cups!"


Self-Present #3: A Panda Bear Stuffed Toy
And once I get it, I'll tie it on a noose and hang it from my ceiling as a start reminder to myself on how I must learn some basic Chinese otherwise I'm as good as a dead Chinese.