Tales From The Male Restroom

For a small town Kuching boy staying in a big city, going to the male public restrooms here in Singapore inpires either awe or parylizing fear. In general, public restrooms in Singapore are lightyears ahead of their Kuching counterparts. And by lightyears, I mean lightyears ahead. Autoflushing toilets are a godsent gift from Heaven itself to a human race beleagured by inconsiderate bastards who couldn't care less about personal hygiene.

Of course autoflushing toilets only solve a minute portion of the male toilet problem.

1. The Dick Admirer
While not entirely common, dick admirers do exist. I've had my fair share of run-ins with their kind over the years. Normally dick admirers try to practice their hobby as discretely as possible by peeping at your schlong from the corner of their eye. However, some can be pretty blatant in the pursuit of their hobby.

There was this one instance when I was taking a leak at the urinal when this middle aged man parked himself at the urinal next to mine. I was pretty unnerved by this because the toilet was empty and the unspoken male rule is that you never pee in the urinal next to another guy whenever possible. When options are available, a man should dry his hose as far as possible from the other man. This guy, however, had broken that sacred rule of male-toilet-behavior.

I chose to ignore him but what happened next totally blew (no pun intended). The man leaned towards me and stared at my weener as I was taking a leaky.

A guy I once knew said that I should feel "complimented that some other guy was checking out" my dick. I'm not sure about this but if I ever get married, I don't think I would want my wife to check out my wee-wee while I take a pee-pee. It just isn't right.


2. The Man Who Cannot Aim
The worst of toilet users are men who can't aim. Atrocious still is how some men upon seeing the plastic seat used for resting your bum when you take a crap down decide that their aim is good enough to miss the entire seat thus neglecting to put it up altogether.

It's totally unbelievable how people of first world countries can be so totally inconsiderate when it comes to keeping the seat clean. And I'm not talking Singapore alone. I'm talking about everywhere. This is clearly a universal male problem. Schools should teach young boys that it is their patriotic duty to put up the toilet seat before they pee (That way we'd know that we can safely blame foreigners for pee stained seats).

Okay, so some guys do get a little queezy at the thought of touching something that some other stranger has placed his butt on. That's fair enough but, who said you had to use your hands to lift the seat? Kick the bloody thing for crying out loud! Shoes were created for more than walking. They were also created so that we, as intelligent monkeys, can move things we wouldn't normally touch with our hands safely.

Needless to say, in my twenty something years of existence, I haven't yet come across any toilet which did not have pee stains on the seat. But as they say, suck it in because when a man needs to do what a man needs to do, he probably desperately needs to do it. And so a few layers of tissue should help remedy the discomfort.


3. The Penis Wagger
Women wipe themselves clean after they pee. Men wag themselves clean. It's natural and one shouldn't be ashamed of it. But what I don't understand is how some men can wag themselves clean so vigorously. More than once have I encountered a man who after taking a leak in a urinal, takes a step back and starts wagging himself so violently as if he were trying to get rid of a leech stuck on his weener.

Such violent wagging surely must inspire hernias at some point or another.

Okay, so it may appear that isn't really an inconvenience to us other men who are in the same restroom as the vigorous-weener-wagger. But really, it is. Imagine this, most weener waggers have to take a step back from the urinal in order to wag their dicks so vigorously (this has something to do with arm movement needing enough space to go forward, up and down and not bang into the urinal). When they do this, they are essentially negating any shielding benefits provided by the urinal's walls and thus causing his leftover pee to fly everywhere.

This is extremely unpleasant mine you.


So In Closing
I have no conclusion. I'll just end with this rather funny video I found on YouTube.com.



See also:
Men can multitask