Taking Back The Internet: The Stimyx Conspiracy (Humor)

First off, please don't mind the word "humor" that I had to affix to the end of this post's title. It's a dangerous world now a days with big corporations suing the asses off bloggers all around the world. The only safe way to blog in today's world is not to blog at all. But if you don't blog, then it's not called blogging.

So the story goes that TMNut Malaysia has started throttling the downloads of its broadband subscribers some time back. Frankly, I expected this to happen a long, long ago. When I was still staying in Kuching, they used to drop our connection ever so often. The rationale? Those of us who couldn't care less about disconnecting our connections were hogging valuable bandwidth. They made quite a fuss about that too. But the way I look at it is that if I pay RM88 per month for an unlimited time and download connection, it's my right to keep my net on and keep downloading. It is after all pretty much sensible to allow people to do what you promised them right?

Wrong.

I don't have a record of this but I do remember quite vaguely that us 'hoggers' were branded irresponsible and inconsiderate by the powers that be. So it was our fault to be paying RM88 a month for unlimited downloads and time and actually doing that.

But I digress. Back to the story of TMNut throttling its users we shall go. In an article from last year's Star newspaper, TMNut's general manager had this to say, "...it is an unfair situation which needs to be addressed, as we cannot upgrade our infrastructure (merely) for the benefit of the minority." Hmm... Makes sense to me. I as a user pay good ringgit a month to go on the Internet and download stuff (what stuff I won't say) and because I pay my hard earned ringgit, I expect service. And part of that service that I do expect as a subscriber is, well, infrastructure upgrades as and when needed to accommodate everyone's needs. No wait, that totally went against the said's statement.

Never mind. I'm sure he rationalized it with his staff pretty well. Streamyx users, don't be bastards. Stop downloading Lost, Prison Break, Naruto and all that. But please do keep paying good money for your wonderful broadband packages which you'll no longer be able to utilize to its fullest.

The Conspiracy
Actually, I have a theory why TMNut was eventually forced to throttle its broadband users. And Kelantan is somehow involved in my theory.

This is how it goes. Last month, it was revealed that Kelantan has the highest amount of Internet porn surfers. In a state where women are frowned upon if they dress 'sexily' (I can imagine them poor PAS politicos getting a heart attack if they ever visit Singapore), it comes as a surprise to many of us. I suppose it's harsh oppression of female fashion rights has made its men more, for lack of better word, hamsap and so they turn to the Internet as a means of releasing their hamsap-ness.

And so they sign into their Streamyx account and search up terms like Melayu bogel (nude Malays), seks Melayu (I pray you don't need a translation for this), and possibly seks kambing as well (hur hur). Being aroused by their findings on the net, these sexually repressed males find their hamsap levels rising. Unable to properly handle (get it? HANDle? Hur hur again) their rising blood pressure and rising member, they take leave from the house to take a walk in order to distract themselves.

The only problem is, there are women on the streets and they're revealing, the gods forbid, a slight bit of ankle. Unable to contain their arousement any longer, they lash out at the women for dressing sexily and "asking to be raped." By the way, those words aren't mine. I'm not smart enough to think of statements like that.

And so with the recent findings of Kelantan holding the record of highest pornography surfers in Malaysia, the ENTIRE state complains to TMNut that it is doing a disservice to its moral crusade. Capitulating under pressure, TMNut agrees to throttle peer-to-peer application downloads in an effort to stem out porn downloads in the nation thus, unfortunately, depriving all Naruto fans of their valuable episodes.


Solution?
What everyone in Malaysia needs to do now is to band together and submit a petition as a state to TMNut demanding TMNut not throttle their downloads and give them back their anime, movies, mp3, and ahem, porn back because it is their right as paying consumers. After all, what's a 1megabyte connection if you can only abuse 3kilobytes of it?

Take back your Internet my fellow brothers and sisters in Malaysia! We do, after all, have a legacy to live up to as a nation of pirates.