Beowulf is as Sexy as My Armpit

I always wondered if people purposely leave a single strip of toilet tissue dangling from its role as some lame justification of not changing the spent roll for a new one. I've always found this really annoying.

Of course that has nothing to do with my post title whatsoever. I went to watch Beowulf over the weekend and as a guy, I thought it was a great movie. All except for the digitally rendered breasts of various wenches that appeared on screen. Forgive me for being rude but I've always believed that showing women's tatas on screen is as necessary as telling a man on his death bed dying of cancer that he's going to die soon.

The only people who would be drawn to watch a movie with bare hooters in it are hormonally charged 13 year olds who are too young to legally watch those movies in cinemas anyway. Besides the baring of breasts being unnecessary, it also kills the reasons to watch the movie somewhat. For example, I really used to like Meg Ryan and would kind of randomly pick up Meg Ryan movies to watch. And then In The Cut happened. And now I hate Meg Ryan. If you have no idea what I mean, go pick up a copy of In The Cut that hasn't been through the Malaysian censorship board.

And so as I'm watching Beowulf, I'm wondering to myself, why don't they just show his damned penis instead of going through all the trouble of hiding it? And then it hit me. Animating penises isn't as easy as animating tatas. It's like this: if majority of the animators were male, they'd insist on making the schlong really really long. If majority of the animators were female, well, let's say all us Asian men would be really proud of our packages. So in order to avoid the political complexities of showing a digital dick on screen, it was probably easier to hide Beowulf's package behind aptly placed obstacles.

Either that or the man is androgynous.

Oh, one more thing. I really think it's annoying how a lot of film critics were trumping Beowulf as a triumph of motion capture technology. It isn't. Shrek is. Here's why: Shrek had a donkey for Pete's sake. How the bloody hell do you beat that?

'Nuff said.