Shattered

Because All Things Eventually Come to an End

2008-03-27T18:04:00.001+08:00

Bye bye

And thanks for all the fish :)

Horibilis, Ikan Bilis, I Really Couldn't Care About a Title For This One

2008-03-13T23:08:00.003+08:00

It seems almost inappropriate that when one finds himself pondering at the meaning of one's recent spate of difficulties that one should suddenly find himself wondering if he should have MacDonald's for dinner.

Good lord, what has my life come to?

Random Things That Irritate the Hell Out of Me

2008-02-20T11:50:00.000+08:00

The one thing I really hate about kids today is how they try to talk with American West Coast accents. And when I say try, I mean fail miserably at to the point of causing their poor parents eternal shame and driving them to point of insanity. The worst thing is, these kids don't even sound remotely anything like an American. I've been alive for some twenty-odd years and have met more than my fair share of Americans from the California area and they don't sound anything close to the aural abuse these kids crap out their mouths whenever they speak.

Sure it can be argued that I haven't been or stayed in America so how would I know right? But then again, neither have 99% of these kids.

Personally, I can pull off a pretty mean Aussie accent. But just because I can, I don't. Why? Because my Aussie accent sounds nothing like a real Aussie accent and causes ears to bleed whenever I pull it off. And so I only pull it off around people I don't like because I'm mean and that's what I do.

So there I was in a bus surrounded by a cacophony of university students all trying to speak in either pseudo gay accents or badly articulated American accents all at the same. The noise must have really pissed off the bus driver because he was driving really fast.

There was this one batch of friends who were blabbering away very loudly. One girl the group exlaimed to her friends, "OMG OMG OMG! XXX is so irritating she keeps repeating herself irritating irritating irritating lor!" (Yes, she said it all in one breath.)

Initially, I thought she was trying to prove a point by repeating herself needlessly in lousy sounding American accent but when she went, "I will try try try lor try try my best try OMG" some 10 minutes later when queried by her friend about an assignment, I decided that there is no hope left in the world.

People are so ironical.

The Curiousness of Train Tracks and Other Mysteries Surrounding Thus

2008-01-16T23:22:00.000+08:00

Dear whosoever that may chance upon this,

In that ever so odd way that the world changes from season to season, I have found that I've changed in my diligence in maintaining this blog. From a once was daily ritual to that now of a monthly. It is to no small surprise that I currently find that I have barely 3 people visiting this squalid journal anymore.

But enough about blogs/online journals/logs/whatnots because there is a certain curiousness to train tracks that plagues me. Or rather, more of the platforms than the rails themselves. They say that city live changes the small town boy. That prolonged exposure to civilization hollows out the fragile's soul. I suppose that I am no exception to that rule as 5 years in the big city has vastly myopized (there is no such word in the dictionary but if you were to take myopic and make it into a verb, you would get myopized) my view of the world as a whole. To say the very least, I find myself becoming ever so cynical as the days pass.

But there are still wonder in the big city that make me wonder. Like the curiousness of train tracks or rather the platforms at train stations. It's curious how the tracks call out to those who wait by them for their coaches to carry them to their destinies.

To the frail fragile things of yesterday gone and today forgotten, the tracks call for them to step out into their loving embrace with the promise of lifting them out of their very shackles of misery and pain with one last act of sacrifice. A vicious ritual of self mutilation with the swiftest surest promise of end by the very instrument that transports tens and thousands of people daily to the wherevers beckon and calls in appealing thougts.

To the strong, they dare them to stand at the very edges to test their nerves. The steely stay while the less than steely back off when the trains pull in. More oft than none, the steely nerves are broken not by the swift whooshing of wind made by a passing train but rather that of the fear of a slap on the wrist by the station wardens and a hefty fine.

To the cautious who have stayed alive thus this long by being, so to speak, cautious, the tracks and the dangers they hold have no appeal to them for it is neither their wish nor want to tempt the cold grasp of death (which ironically will find them sooner or later).

But for me, the tracks hold a different very different appeal. I am still at large a small town by in heart and there are still some wonders in this world that call out to me. I like to go places. And what better way to go somewhere than by train.

And by that, the rails will take me.

There Is No More Hope Left In This World

2007-12-18T23:50:00.000+08:00

While on the bus home the other day, I saw a 7 year old kid playing Grand Theft Auto 3 on his PSP. I don't know why but I felt instantly worried. Wasn't so much worried because he was running over pedestrians like an enraged madman, hauling off drivers from their cars, and machine gunning whores up on Sunset Blvd.

Was more worried because at one point of the game, he kept spawning out a tank, getting into it, and driving off cliffs.

Something about that was just.so.wrong.

Just don't ask me what.

Beowulf is as Sexy as My Armpit

2007-11-26T12:53:00.000+08:00

I always wondered if people purposely leave a single strip of toilet tissue dangling from its role as some lame justification of not changing the spent roll for a new one. I've always found this really annoying.

Of course that has nothing to do with my post title whatsoever. I went to watch Beowulf over the weekend and as a guy, I thought it was a great movie. All except for the digitally rendered breasts of various wenches that appeared on screen. Forgive me for being rude but I've always believed that showing women's tatas on screen is as necessary as telling a man on his death bed dying of cancer that he's going to die soon.

The only people who would be drawn to watch a movie with bare hooters in it are hormonally charged 13 year olds who are too young to legally watch those movies in cinemas anyway. Besides the baring of breasts being unnecessary, it also kills the reasons to watch the movie somewhat. For example, I really used to like Meg Ryan and would kind of randomly pick up Meg Ryan movies to watch. And then In The Cut happened. And now I hate Meg Ryan. If you have no idea what I mean, go pick up a copy of In The Cut that hasn't been through the Malaysian censorship board.

And so as I'm watching Beowulf, I'm wondering to myself, why don't they just show his damned penis instead of going through all the trouble of hiding it? And then it hit me. Animating penises isn't as easy as animating tatas. It's like this: if majority of the animators were male, they'd insist on making the schlong really really long. If majority of the animators were female, well, let's say all us Asian men would be really proud of our packages. So in order to avoid the political complexities of showing a digital dick on screen, it was probably easier to hide Beowulf's package behind aptly placed obstacles.

Either that or the man is androgynous.

Oh, one more thing. I really think it's annoying how a lot of film critics were trumping Beowulf as a triumph of motion capture technology. It isn't. Shrek is. Here's why: Shrek had a donkey for Pete's sake. How the bloody hell do you beat that?

'Nuff said.

Oh For [removed] Sake. Spit Somewhere Else Dammit

2007-11-15T00:46:00.000+08:00

I've always believed that there's a place and a time for everything. And the bus is definitely not the place to spit out all your lovely mouth juices at. I swear that if God gave me a handgun and the license to kill, I'd go on a rampage in an instant.

So I'm on the bus to work as usual and in front of me is this 50 something crusty old Chinese guy. I swear that all crusty old Chinese men are the same. There's the old Chinese men and the crusty ones. They're a bit hard to tell apart but if you look closely, the crusty ones are the ones whose wrinkles actually form the letters P-R-I-C-K.

They're the ones who spit are you feet in public. The ones who cough in your face. The ones who blatantly stare at attractive young female things while engaging in mental masturbatory delusions of the said female things. And the ones who have the cheek to tell you that you're rude despite them doing all that.

Right, back to where I left off. I'm on the bus sitting behind this crusty when he starts hacking away in a dry cough. Note that it's dry. Means that there's no phlegm and at the very worst, all he'll produce from that is an excess of saliva. Which he does coincidentally.

But instead of swallowing it down, he looks down and lets it go on the bus' floor. He must've heard me take a real deep breath because he turned around and glared me in the face. When he was done with that, he turned back forward and, to no one's surprise, let loose another one.

I swear, I could've screamed.

Musings From an Accidentaly Bastard in Yuppieland

2007-10-31T19:25:00.000+08:00

My forays into Yuppieland are never good. I like to believe that there's a place on this little blue ball that's increasingly becoming bluer thanks to bastards like China, India, and the U.S. of A., for everyone. And one of those place is for yuppies or people I like to know as God's chosen few, and another place for everyone else which I like to know as people-just-like-me.

It never feels good getting sent into the heart of Yuppieland. It kind of feels like James Bond being sent to infiltrate some really evil organization that we never understood why except that I'm not as cool/suave/sexy James Bond. I like to think I'm more than he but lets not fool ourselves. In short, I feel really, really, really out of place venturing into Yuppieland. Imagine yourself in a sea of shirts and ties and you're the only one decked out in a polo shirt, faded blue jeans, and sports shoes plus a bag that looks like something your mother gave you for Christmas 10 Christmases ago.

It's easy to feel special in that setting with the word special holding every negative connotation possible.

So today's foray into Yuppieland found me doing what a do best: being a complete bastard or in the loving words of my ex girlfriend, a dickhead. Decked out in my trademark worn out black shirt, faded blue jeans, and shoes that have seen better day, I headed off to the nearest train station to my abode. No, strike that. Hovel. Already my walk to the train station was one filled with sights of yuppies. At one traffic light, a middle-aged-well-dressed yuppie looked me over with an incredulous expression on her face. I'm not sure if she was more surprised at seeing my kind awake so early in the morning or more amazed at the size of the bags (yes, you read it right. It's a plural) I was carrying.

For record's sake, I was carrying three laptops this morning. My bag was wider than me many times over thanks to all the cables and laptops I had in them.

Back to the story, I tried to give her my best morning face smile as possible. Of course if you've ever met me personally, you know that no matter what expression I do, my face is perpetually stuck on the 'I HATE YOU! DIE YOU STUPID [removed]!' look. I don't quite think she was amused. But forget that and flashback forward 10 minutes in time and I'm standing at the train platform waiting for my train.

Now, the biggest problem about waking up together with the rest of the yuppies in this island is that you're bound to be taking the train at the same time as all those aforementioned yuppies. And the problem with taking the train at the same time as all those yuppies is that well... Things get more intimate than one would really like. Ok, I'm a guy so maybe it's not as bad for me as it is for the thousands of females who are reliant on trains to get to work except that whenever I take a train down to Yuppieland, I will inevitably find myself pressed up against really huge rancid smelling men.

The next problem is, well, I was carrying three laptops. Which means it's really hard for me to get on the train to begin with. And such was the case. I had to wait two trains before I could board any. And when I did manage to get on a train, I didn't make any friends. Having to have to somehow squeeze myself in between two yuppies, I accidentally swung my bag hard into the shin of a female yuppie. I think she winced in pain. She definitely didn't look to happy. I wanted to say sorry but my mouth was so dry that I was sure my breathe would've stunk to the high heavens that I was sure that saying sorry would only make matter worse.

Instead, I just put on my best sheepish look. Of course whatever look I put on always looks like a 'I HATE YOU! DIE YOU STUPID [removed]!' look. Two stops later and a few yuppies got off the train and there was a little bit more elbow room on the train, for thirty seconds at least. Between those thirty seconds, a mid-twenties yuppie who was standing a few persons away from me decided to stand somewhere else. I didn't understand why but she decided to stand somewhere near where I was standing which also happened to be the most crowded spot on the train. When she got to where I was, she looked at me and for some reason or another crossed an arm across her chest in a guarding position.

I looked her in the face, then her chest, and then her face again utterly confused as she just stood there and looked at me. I tried recalling when was the last time I ventured into Yuppieland and if I ever did, did I accidentally molest anybody but failed to recall any incident. I tried to give her my best "I'm not like that" face but you get the idea how that turned out.

Of course all that was momentary distractions as a sudden flood of people snapped us both out of our accusatory stupor and back into the reality of where we were. I try really hard not to come into any body contact with anyone when on public transportation because it's just really not nice to. At least I don't feel particularly good about it. But sometimes, it is inevitable that one would find his or herself pressed up against somebody else.

Especially when that someone else presses up against you first. And so I found myself in an awkward position of being pushed up against the guy standing behind of me and being pushed against by two young female yuppies standing in front of me which in turn were being pushed up against by other female yuppies (repeat until yuppie line reaches the train door). Because of the awkward direction I was facing, like it or not, people don't stand in trains in straight lines, the right portion of my body that the young yuppie lady to my right was pressing up against was my arm. And because we were roughly the same height, part of my arm found itself being enveloped by the fleshy mounds of her derriere.

I could've blissfully pleaded ignorance and left my arm there to lavish in its fortunate position since young yuppie lady to my right was blissfully unawares as to what she was pushing up against but because I am a nice guy with a somewhat sound ethically conscious mind, I decided very, very quickly that my arm should be removed immediately. And so I lifted my arm out of there. In the process, my action caused young yuppie lady to realize that there was an arm there and to that, she turned and looked at me with a nasty look.

I wanted to try to give her my best "I'm innocent" look but I didn't bother. We both know where that would've gone. Instead, I just sighed and resigned to the fact that I was a fish out of water there and just tried to endure the rest of the ride.

And that was my adventure or misadventure into Yuppieland today. And to that, I bid you all adieu while I go cut off my arm.

Updates

2007-10-29T22:02:00.001+08:00

This blogger or once was a blogger (somewhat) has been so thoroughly busy of late that he has been unable to regularly update his blog even if regularly meant once a year or every time Santa Claus hauls fat ass down a chimney. I have, quite frankly and sadly, lost a lot of that drive that once drove me to write here. That drive was mainly defined by the insane amount of free time I used to have.

That privilege is no longer with me though I vow to continue to try to blog every now and then. If you are still reading this blog as sad as it has become, please do drop me a note to remind me what you liked about this site-o-cockery.

And to all the people whose blogs I've stopped reading, I'm terribly sorry. I still love your blogs just that my brain can't take anymore reading besides the trashy material I bring into the toilet with me (read: Business Times, Newsweek, and so forth).

Now, before this post gets to emo, I owe two people memes.

First would be Yvy who tagged me for some screenshot of desktop meme. Here's what my desktop looks like now:

Yes. That really is what my desktop looks like. You can tell I haven't done much with WindowsXP since getting it from Uncle Bill.

And now, I've been tagged so many times for this that I'm just going to do this again (and we shall all thank Germs for that).

The 6 Weird Things About Me meme
1. I have a read underwear and I'm damn proud of it. One day I'm going to don it outside my normal everyday attire and run around town screaming "I'm Superman" at the top of my lungs.

2. I have only 2 weird things about me. But just because my brain is so damned tired that I can't think of anything more.

Anyhoos, goodnight people.

By the way, if anyone is reading this, visit my photo album. It's the only thing left of mine that's still getting updated.

Overheard In Singapore...

2007-10-12T14:43:00.002+08:00

... now with red text to denote how a cynic would interpret each sentence.

Overheard at a train station.

Girl A: Wow hey, I haven't seen you for a long time!
Translates to: It's been awhile. Glad to know your life has been keeping you too busy to meet up with your friends and other close one's in your life. When was the last time you called your mother? (Note: An aptly added 'Bitch' after the last question would've served well in accentuating the implied sarcasm of the sentences but was removed for purity's sake)

Girl B: Yeah hey, are you on a diet?!
Translates to: You're fat.

Girl A: Yeah! How did you know?
Translates to: Doesn't translate to anything. Girl A is clearly an idiot.

Girl B: Well, you look great.
Translates to: For now but back then, you looked bad.

Running Mainland Chinese Man With Brain The Size Of Pea Boarding Bus

2007-10-04T19:14:00.000+08:00

I sincerely believe that all people are born considerate. It's a naive belief but I really do sincerely belief that by nature, every human being on this little ever expanding in blue color thanks to global warming thanks to big corporations who indiscriminately rape our environment and radical fundamentalist Christian protest groups who find it necessary to use non-recycled paper to print out their placards with displays of condescending beliefs from condoms being evil to Jesus not being born a Jew, is very much born courteous. I believe that it takes a lot out of people to be total pricks to the point of causing another individual much inconvenience.

And so, when I got bumped off the steps of the bus I was boarding by a Mainland Chinese crusty looking guy who ran towards the bus arms flailing and all in a wild attempt to catch the bus, the first word to pop in my head was: asshole.

The worst part was, the guy didn't even bother apologizing and just went on laughing to himself and his chums who were smart enough to be waiting at the busstop early (that particular bus follows a schedule thats displayed at the busstop). I was so pissed off that I glared at the guy and had to repeatedly tell myself not to pick the guy up (who was remarkably smaller than I am) and throw him off the bus.

All that while, being the somewhat-but-not-totally-good Christian boy that I am, I kept asking myself "What Would Jesus Do?" I came to the conclusion that Jesus would forgive the guy and if the guy didn't repent after many chances to do so, cast him straight into the fiery pits of Hell.

Sweet huh?

Guess what, a few days ago, I saw Mainland Chinese crusty looking guy running after the same bus at the same time and nearly barreled into a bunch of people boarding the bus.

He should be glad I'm not Jesus. Because if I were...

Nuff said.

Things I've Learnt From My One Week on Facebook

2007-09-24T23:25:00.000+08:00

Yes, I'm finally on Facebook. Add me if you can find me. Hint, use my name and look for the picture of White Ninja.

Facebook is fun. I learnt that I can still be a complete arsecavity even when on the online world. Roughly 50% of my life is now dedicated to poking people on facebook. Poking is so addictive that I even went to this group called "Lets stop poking and just have sex" or some jazz like that and started poking all the male members although I personally think they don't appreciate it with me being male and all plus me having a White Ninja avatar that has the words "My rectum hurts" on it.

But who the hell cares. Poking is awesome.

Another thing I learnt from Facebook is that I am still awesome. I'm not a Pirate, Vampire, and a Werewolf all at the same time. I refuse to be a Zombie because that's too scarily close to my actual life.

But if I had to name the most awesome thing I learnt from my time on Facebook is exactly how little friends I have. And that makes me sad. So now go sign up for Facebook and add me! Dammit!

When 1 Feels Like More Than a Bloody Number

2007-09-20T00:17:00.000+08:00

A horrible realization has just dawned on me. I was at a wedding rehearsal a few hours ago and realized that most of my friends here in Singapore are either getting married or dating / in the process of courtship with the rare exception of individuals like myself. I remember naively coming into this year thinking that I'm finally not the odd one out in the group(s) I hang out with, with them starting to speak more English to me and being a cacophony of singles and all. Now that's all starting to change with more and more of them getting attached.

I don't think I've ever felt more single in my life than I do now. I swear I nearly have to remind myself that I'm "single and lovin' it" every-single-bleeding-day just so that I won't forget that being single is not a handicap but is a status just as good as that of being attached.

I can imagine all the consoling words I'd get if I were ever to speak my mind on this. One of them would be the dreaded "you're still young". Of course that only serves to make me feel even more shittier because hey, I'll never be as old as the people offering those 'consoling' words.

And so at the rehearsal, a mate of mine asked me, "So, when is your turn man?"

I gave him the optimistic number of 10 years time. I really wanted to say the more realistic number of 40 years and only to a mail order bride. And then he asked in a somewhat rhetorical fashion if there was any interests. I think it's not a matter of whether or not I have any interest for anyone. I do to be honest. It's just that it's not mutual.

There's this person I'm interested in who we shall refer to as The Girl because to refer to this mystery person as The Guy might give my parents a heart-attack and I wouldn't want that to happen, but that's just a crush shrouded in the fog of wistful thinking. But at the end of the day, when all the crushes are faded and all my wishful thinking was wrong, I'm jaded and I hate it.

I guess what I'm trying to say in this diarrhea-ic diatribe is, to sum it up in two words is:

***k it.

So Apparently, I'm Satan

2007-09-07T12:12:00.000+08:00

I've heard it many times in many different incarnations, apparently, I'm somehow related to the son-of-darkness or am the son-of-darkness. I know it's a risky proposition saying this but, if I were somehow connected to the evil-one-whose-name-I-shall-not-mention, my life would be a lot simpler. Yes, I'd have to worry about things like turning people on the path of sin but no, like really, that's hardly any effort at all. The world is doing an awefully good job shatting itself up all by itself.

Yesterday on the bus, I was delightfully entertained and when I say delightfully entertained, I say that with no small amount of sarcasm but a whole bucket full of, by two snotty rich kids regaling each other with tales of a whoreanus common friend who's knocking up guys in their schools and how their 2000 dollar a month school is a small little sh!t hole compared to other thousand dollar schools us lowly commoners would never afford. That plus how a 40 buck haircut for a guy is not expensive but reasonable. I get my hair cut for 10 bucks and my hair looks a hell lot better than that kid's hair.

I am thoroughly convinced now that I really, really, really need a new MP3 player to replace my busted up one. And please do not suggest an iPod. An iPod wouldn't survive a month in my hands. I drop things more often than Paris Hilton gets high on alcohol and that's a lot of times.

Anyhoos, enough of this bullcockery. What I've really been trying to say since I started typing this post is that I, the great and mighty lowly schmuck of a devil's advocate, have reached my six hundredth and sixty-sixth post.

For the benefit of those who didn't digest that, that's 666 blogposts over this many painful years of writing. Whee.

Now that that's out and done away with, you'll need to excuse me. I need to usher in the apocalypse. Yes, I'm going to take a dump. So woe be to the world.

Toodleloos.

They Say That Jesus Loves You

2007-09-04T17:30:00.000+08:00

Dearest neighbours or neighbors depending on which side of the Atlantic's English you prefer,

I try my best to be a good neighbour. I am in most cases, a patient, understanding, and in certain cases, a humble man. I don't believe in making outrages or inane demands and to be honest, I rarely make any demands at all. I subscribe to the philosophy of not making a pest of myself and to be as considerate as possible to those who stay around me. In fact, if there were a "Best Neighbour In the Universe" award, I believe that it would be rightfully mine.

And so when I headed over to your place last Saturday night to ask that you turn down the volume of your television set, you really have to appreciate just how far your gawdawful sense of neighbourly civility has stretched me mentally.

But before I go into that, please allow me to elaborate exactly how patient I've been with you lot thus far. I have, over the previous weeks, put up with your constant late night TV watching at volumes that would put most cinemas to shame, constant shouting to other members of our family and friends down the corridor, banging of objects on your floor for God only knows whatever reason for, and even your little kid screaming out Christian songs at hours where the sun has not even begun to rise. And that bit really irks me because I would've thought that your son's Sunday school teacher would've taught him some neighbourly considerateness and quite frankly, if I were your son's Sunday school teacher, I would've taught him that Jesus loves him but I'm less inclined to feel the same way towards him.

But I digress as much as I've started my sentences with 'but' and 'and'. Basically, what I'm trying to tell you is that it really takes a lot of effort on my behalf to not go over with a scowl on my already generously fierce face that makes babies cry in the middle of the night to ask you to turn down your racket. I really appreciate that you did turn down your considerable noise.

BUT SPEAKING AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS IS HARDLY AN IMPROVEMENT DAMMIT!

I'm sorry. I got emotional there but it really is hard not to when you guys pull this off night after night after night without a hint. Therefore, this is my ultimatum to you: I will, as I have previously, ask you lot nicely to be either:
a) considerate and to lower your noise once past 12 midnight
b) law abiding and to lower your noise at 11pm as stated by the law of the land

...or I shall have to call the cops on you.

It's either that or I playing Michael Bolton hits right outside your windows at ungodly hours of the night. You decide.

With much love,
mk

Negaraku, Tanah Tumpahnya Teh Tarik Ku

2007-08-30T11:35:00.000+08:00

Every time I hear a young girl say she wants to grow up and become just like Paris Hilton or Lyndsay Lohan, I shudder to imagine exactly how screwed up their future will be. I mean, who seriously wants to grow up following the footsteps of an ex-convict-drug addict-pornstar-repeat DUI offender celebrity? But yet, I suppose young girls, just like hormonally charged young men, see only the outward beauty of celebrities like Paris Hilton and not all the cock sucking pantiless drunken romps and imagine themselves growing up as pretty as them.

When I look at Malaysia today, I imagine it being just like those young girls fifty years ago who gazed at powerfully attractive nations just like the US of A and imagined itself growing up looking just like those nations. Fifty years later and it's not hard to see which traits of those "beautiful" nations Malaysia has inherited. Corruption, crime, and embarrassing national affairs like the one involving C4 explosives and a Mongolian are on the rise. Our politicians pull out excuses that make as little sense as a 10 month old baby's blabbering out of their arses. And to make matters worse, our opposition parties are little more than nagging mothers who take pride in pointing out our ruling parties inefficiencies and have little in the way of a viable governance plan that would make them serious contenders to the seat of government.

But despite all my complaints, I still love Malaysia with a passion. The Petronas Twin Towers reminds me of what a proud nation can achieve when it puts its heart into its endeavors: twin erections. And while the number 1 car maker in Malaysia, Proton, is turning out to be quite a national shame, the Perodua cars (Kancil, Kelisa) are some of the more fun family cars I've ever driven.

Of course as a Malaysian staying "overseas", I'm constantly reminded by my Singaporean friends of Malaysia's most successful export: Ramli Burger. Every time I see a Ramli Burger stand, I feel like singing Negaraku out loud.

In spite of all its inequities and deficiencies, Malaysia is still my home and still the country where my heart is. And with that, I wish all my fellow Malaysians a Selamat Hari Merdeka and happy 5oth Birthday in advance Malaysia.

Footnote:
Title roughly translates to: My country, the land where I spilled my teh tarik and is a play on the first line of Malaysia's national anthem: Negaraku, tanah tumpahnya darahku (My country, the land where I spilled my blood in literal translation)

Relationships Stink

2007-08-27T23:45:00.000+08:00

The question was asked: What do I look for in a future partner?

The answer that ran through my head was: My taste in women is so inexplicably bad that the only women I ever seem to fall for seem to be those who either are emotionally unsettled or would never fall for me and that the only suitable partners for me are those who I have absolutely no interest in. In which case, my entire love life is doomed anyway.

And the answer that came out of my mouth: I have no idea.

Bah!

2007-08-24T17:40:00.000+08:00

My laptop has a virus and so I won't be posting anything anal today.

Instead, I'm going to wish Miss Goodshithappens a happy graduation, congratulations, and all that hoo-hah even though I already wished her all that on MSN in the wee hours of the morning today and then I shall link her blog here so you lot can click on that link or if you're lazy, this link, just so you guys will get redirected to her blog and forget the fact that I don't really have a post here today and instead get distracted by her last three posts which were very nice reads.

Congratulations Ser. If for some unlikely reason we ever bump into each other, congratulatory drinks on me. But only if they're below 8 bucks because I'm a cheap bastard.

Wanted

2007-08-20T20:45:00.000+08:00

Wanted:

- Lots of Codeine
- A bottle of vodka
- 3 cans of beer
- 1 bottle of stout
- A bottle of pain killers
- And a noose

Or

- A hug

I'm having the lousiest of months. I so need a moment of reprieve.

His Spit Would Have You Cowering in Fear and Have You Dubbing Yourself Sissy Spit

2007-08-17T14:30:00.000+08:00

One of the fun things about being constrained to taking only public transportation when one needs to get somewhere is that it gives one a chance to observe the behavior of other denizens of a country's proud public transportation system. One of the really bitchy things about being constrained to taking public transportation when one needs to get somewhere is that it gives one a chance to observe the behavior of other denizens of a country's proud public transportation system.

Find the difference in the above two sentences. If you can't spot it, you need glasses. If you're already wearing glasses and still can't spot the difference, then try scratching your armpits and count the amount of times you miss it. If it numbers 1 miss, you need help. Seriously.

Anyhooswhateverpeoplesaytograbonesattentioninarhetoricalsense, I was waiting for my bus to work today when this guy joined me in my wait. Now I hate to admit it but, I profile people. If a person is above 50, male, crusty looking, and Chinese, then I try to keep my distance from that guy on or off the bus. Chances are, he has some idiosyncrasies that he's bound to display within the next five minutes of you being in the same bus stop, bus, train, or train station as him.

I hate to brag but to which I shall anyway because I like bragging, I'm seldom wrong on this. I admit there's been a good number of times when crusty old male Chinese men are better behaved than their smartly dressed young male Chinese counterparts which surprisingly, have a 4 in 10 chance of annoying me in a bus largely because of their handphones which they often neglect to pick up until the ringtone is about 90% done and, of course, their awesomely large buttocks and bullocks that force them to invade in on valuable seat space.

But enough about that and into today we go.

Today, as I was waiting for my no wait a minute, we've already been here. Okay, so there was this old crusty looking Chinese male with me at the bus stop who reeked of alcohol. In the span ten minutes we were there, the guy let out something like one spit per thirty seconds and it was amazing. It was like this guy's mission in life was to let out evenly timed spits.

And they weren't ordinary sissy spits. They were spits that Rambo himself would've been proud off. I swear the amount of force the guy was using was so incredibly strong that a rifle would've been put to shame. At one point, crusty was standing right in front of me when he let go one of his spit right in front of my feet.

I kid you not when I say this but, I saw his spit hit the ground even before I saw it leave his lips. I think crusty just singlehandedly proved Einstein's theory of relativity true with his spit.

But anyway, the one thing this goes to prove in my mind is, I really have to start taking my buses at more sane hours. The yuppie crowd is after all less eccentrics and far more easier on the eyes.

On a side note, someone has reduced the size of my desk in the office. I am not happy.

I Put Lost to Shame

2007-08-13T22:41:00.000+08:00

My name is Merv Kwok and I am legendarily bad with directions. Not only am I lengendarily bad with directions, I'm legendarily bad at giving directions. Today, two Indian tourist asked me how to get to a popular shopping center in Singapore.

Blur as I was, I pointed them in a direction that was totally opposite direction of where they wanted to go. It's a good thing there was this crusty old Chinese man who overheard the Indians asking me for directions and intervened. The only dumb thing was, he did it in Mandarin which I translated to the tourist and spoke to crusty in Mandarin. The Indians, looked at the both of us dubiously. At that, crusty started speaking in English and assured them that where he was pointing them to was the right direction.

The only problem was, he was going, "Neh, you see that biege building? Neh, neh, that one. Go there lah." The Indians had a slightly offended look on their faces. No prizes for guessing why.

After we all parted ways, I wondered to myself, how the hell did I manage to speak in Mandarin?

Flash back forward to an hour ago. I took the wrong bus home. I hopped on a bus that I thought stopped near my home but apparently, does not. I was sitting in the bus for a good full 40 minutes before I realized I was on the wrong bus. Turns out, the bus that goes to my place is numbered 132.

I was on bus 131.

I used to joke that the only reason why God keeps me alive on Earth is as entertainment for a largely humorless world. I'm really starting to believe this as I get older. You all had better be laughing or else I'd be really pissed off.

Now if you'd excuse me, I need to get lost. In a non-literal sense of course.

Why Babel the Movie Sucks

2007-08-08T13:14:00.000+08:00

Before I begin my rant, here's a little background on the movie title for those who are unfamiliar with Christian lore and traditions. Babel, which is the movie title to all the wisecracks who haven't figured that out, is a reference to the story of the Tower of Babel found in the Bible.

In that story, a group of people decide to smack together this really kickass tower called the Tower of Babel. God, unhappy about this, decides to lay the smack down on them by blessing them with different languages. Legend has it that the Greeks came out with the nicer sounding language, the Indians got the fastest sounding one, and the Chinese got screwed over with over 10 different dialects of Chinese.

The legacy of that single historical incident is that we now have kawaii 'wannabe' annoying Chinese teenage girls running around our streets signing off emails to their boyfriends with "sarang-haeyo, aishiteru, i luv u 4eva muacks" bullcrap.

Why Babel Sucked
1. All the dialogue in the movie was completely unnecessary. Like the death mute girl in the movie, you could've watched the whole thing completely silent and the movie will STILL make sense.

2. The annoying Moroccan kid in the movie dies as annoyingly as his character behaved throughout the movie. The kid was so annoying that at the end of the movie, I loaded up a computer game, imagined all the bad guys as the kid, and shot them all to digital hell with god mode on. No, I didn't care that I was cheating. That's how annoyed I was.

3. Cate Blenchatt didn't die. In fact, she somehow managed to take a bullet into her left shoulder which exited through her back that miraculously missed her lungs and artery and survive the entire day. In Black Hawk Down, the guy died from taking a bullet to his upper thigh.

iKlutz

2007-08-06T23:31:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I dropped something on my bedroom floor. I bent down to pick that something up and accidentally slammed my forehead hard onto the edge of my desk. I now have a bruise the size of Russia slightly off center of my forehead.

Damn thing hurt so bad that I had a nice sustained headache throughout the day.

Three hours ago, I accidentally whacked the back of my head onto the edge of a window grill.

The very fact that I'm still alive and still can type this is proof enough that there is a god and that natural selection is a farce.

Although to be perfectly honest, I'm really wishing right now that the latter would flex its muscles right now and just wipe me off the face of this planet.

I hate Mondays.

Today, an Old Lady Stole My Cab

2007-08-01T14:53:00.000+08:00

Today, a little old lady jumped me for a cab I hailed. I've had old people who pushed me out of the way from behind to get seats in trains, lines in queues, and even Burger King coupons. But this one really bites the dust. To have a cab stop and a little old lady dart out from some little lane and occupy the cab I was preparing to board with my 2 seriously heavy bags and 4 plastic bags worth of junk left me speechless an frankly, quite blur [insert explicit word of choice].

Why do things like this seem to happen to me on a near daily basis? I swear I must have the word 'loser' written on my forehead or some crap like that. The things that happen to me would make Peter Parker go home to his grandmother and cry. If he's supposed to epitomize the very notion of what it is to be a loser, then he really sucks crock at it. Losers don't have super cool mutant powers and good looking girlfriends.

No.

Instead, they get their cabs stolen by little old ladies. That and landlords who hint on raising their room rental by a whole hundred bucks even before they've stayed an hour in it and have a whole year left to their contract.

Someone should make a movie of my life. I bet it'd be real funny to watch. Just maybe, I'll write a book one day about all this.

Things I Never Told You About My Bus Journeys

2007-07-31T12:00:00.000+08:00

In another day's time, I'll be moving to a home a lot more closer to my office. This means that I'll probably have a lot less bus stories to tell. However, I do forsee a lot of housemate stories to come. But anyway, since I'm saying goodbye to an era of ultra long bus rides of 2 hours a day (Lets admit it. A lot of you who still read this are here for my bus stories), I shall find it fitting to bequeeth unto you lot the other side of my bus journeys I never told you guys about.

- There was once I lost my footing in the bus (I'm not used to slinging a laptop to my side) and accidentally slapped a girl at the back of her head in an effort to regain my balance.

- There was this one time I was seated opposite this girl who was in theory, dressed in rather dull colors but whose skirt was so short that no matter how she tried to sit, a bright electric colored underthing could be plainly seen by all.

I accept that these things happen and are all part of bad wardrobe choices and so like all normal men, I looked away to one side. What I wasn't prepared for was the sight of five crusty old chinese men sitting next to me grinning away.

- A cute uni student once sat next to me in my bus next to work. The bus was mostly empty when she got on. I deduce that she probably lost her contacts and thought the seat was empty but when she found out it wasn't, she was to embarrassed to move.

- I accidentally molested an Indian man while getting off the bus. What followed was an awkward moment where the both of us just stared at each other. He probably thought I was gay. Poor guy must've been scared crapless.

- A big assed ang moh once misjudged the size of his posterior and ended up wiping his butt along my entire right arm while fitting himself into the seat. I don't know why but, I felt so dirty during the rest of that trip.

- I was guilty once of accidentally passing out poisonous gas. I was sitted next to an old man. I looked at him and so did everyone else. I am so going to hell for that.

Singapore's Answer to a Dwindling Population Crisis...

2007-07-26T12:50:00.000+08:00

... is to encourage all its citizens to 'hump ahead'.

Posted on http://flickr.com/photos/mervkwok/

[See more of nonsense like this at my Flickr account]

Butt Groping, Crotch Stroking, Terrorist Fearing Day

2007-07-24T16:35:00.000+08:00

Today, I went over to a vendor's site to pick up some equipment. While waiting at the reception area, one of the staff came in. The customary reception area quick looks were exchange followed by the "I'm too good for you" head snap. Staff-girl proceeded to walk down the corridor I was facing. Partway through, she lifted her shirt 1/3rd of the way with one hand while with the other hand, pulled her already high riding jeans up (note: she was not wearing hip huggers).

Satisfied that they were high enough, the same hand reached down to one cheek which she then proceeded to squeeze a few times. Yes, not once, not twice, but multiple times. I'm ashamed to admit it but, I stared.

Fast forward 20 minutes later and I'm boarding the train back to my office. As I enter the train and put my heavy backpack on the floor, I catch two girls staring at me from the corner of my eye. I steal a look at them which is returned by them looking long and hard at my face, and then by large backpack, and then my face again with worry written all over their faces.

They've been playing this terrorist alert advertisement here in Singapore train stations for the past year or so. In it, the terrorist is played by some young looking chap with a large bag. I guess I fit the profile of a terrorist as projected by the Singapore government. Throughout the journey, they both kept looking at my impressive package (no, not that one) and my face.

Halfway through the journey, a more comfortable standing place presented itself. I bent down to pick up my bag. As I was bending down, I caught one of the girls looking at me again. I did what any terrorist would do, I looked back and smiled. Embarrassed, the girl looked away and went red. Anyway, while walking to my new spot, I caught both of their heads following my movement.

If I were really a terrorist, I would've refrained from blowing up the train. They were just way too adorable to blow up jihad style. By the way, they were both definitely in their early twenties.

Flash forward another 30 minutes and I'm at my train station. As I disembark, I come face to face with a 30 something year old guy stroking his crotch area with walking in. I'm not sure if he was aware of it but, that was really, really, gross.

You Know You're Strange and Unusual When...

2007-07-20T13:14:00.000+08:00

... an insurance agent you're talking to about getting property insured brings up life insurance to which your only response to him is to scowl and say, "I've been alive for too damn long."

... your actual religion is Coffee Bean.

... you have a crush on someone, tell no one, admit nothing, but splash it out on your blog for all the world to read.

... your ultimate goal in life is to own an actual working AK-47 legally just so you can frame it up on your wall in a nice wooden frame with the words "Me Bitch" etched below it.

... you grew up wanting to be just as cool as Rambo.

... you no longer refer yourself to as a programmer or software engineer but as a desk monkey when asked.

... the greatest purchase you ever made in your entire life was socks that were comfortable.

... you catch yourself genuinely asking yourself questions like, "How did people figure out how to have sex before the Internet?"

... you cut short a post that could drag on for eternity because you have to pee.

Phrases That Make My Blood Curl

2007-07-18T13:59:00.000+08:00

Wikipedia says so...
Good lord... I swear if I had a dollar for every time I heard this, I'd be richer than Bill Gates on steroids. Wikipedia says so is the exact kind of thing I would expect a brainless five year old kid who has too much time on his hands to say and not something I would expect grown adults with at least a high school education to mutter out.

People who treat Wikipedia as their ultimate source of information are people who are ultimately doomed to wallow in the deep pits of intellectual shallowness for the rest of their lives. While I'd gladly admit that Wikipedia is a great place to read up about something, I'd take whatever I read there with a pinch of salt since any Tom, Dick, and Harry (or Tom with a Harry Dick whichever have you) with a healthy dose of seemingly genuine fake references can alter them.

Anyone who quotes Wikipedia as their prime source of information should be shot.

The other day I was on the line with a sales guy and was inquiring about some technical specifications of a product I was interested in. He wasn't sure about some things and instead of offering to find out for me, he said this to me:

"Go search on Wikipedia lor"

And the World Was Beautiful Again

2007-07-16T13:23:00.000+08:00

Short Notes:
- Yes AG, that was probably me. Why didn't you say hi?!
- Singapore Before Bedtime resumes! Now with the 30 Day Challenge. Here's a snippet from day 1:

On the way back from work last Friday, I was on the train. Riding on the same train car as me was this guy who looked worse for wear. Dressed in a shabby-t and Bermudas that looked like they passed through Steve Irwin's hands, the guy looked more like a crusty thirty-something hawker than the corporate zombies that filled the train.

His face was aged beyond his years. His eyebrows were tensed and his face wore a frown that would make little babies cry and Bruce Willis pee in his pants. He had the look of a guy who wouldn't get a second glance, or even half a first, in public. In his hands were 3 packets of tissues that he kept fiddling around. One of his eyes was a milky white. Poor chap I thought to myself.

Looking at him, I began to wonder if the guy had a girlfriend and if not if he'd ever meet one who'd love him for who he is and set aside all his physical deficiencies. Most girls I've met claim that looks aren't important to them and it's the guy's character that counts most. The same girls who've claimed such when posed with a question like, "so would you ever date a guy with half a good face (think phantom of the opera) but a heart of gold? (think uh.... damn... All men are bastards)" would cringe and reply back that "it is still important to be physically attracted to the person you're going out with".

As I was musing about all these things, a prim and proper looking girl who had the looks of an actress sitting next to crusty-half blind-hawker dude wrapper her arms around his and lay her head on his shoulder. Not happy with the millimeters between them, she snuggled up tighter and held his hand. He held it back. Although crusty never lost the frown, I could tell he was happy. Whatever was bugging him took a back seat there and then and had you been looking at him, you'd have seen his features soften and a smile try to sneak its way onto his face.

And then the world was beautiful again.

Over the train's intercom, my stop is announced and the doors pop open. I get up and walk out. On my way out, I steal another glance at crusty and actress girl. With a half smile on my face, I say to crusty in my mind "lucky bastard" in a non-jealous sense.

And then I'm gone.

The One Where the Girl Had No Pants On

2007-07-12T10:45:00.000+08:00

I wish my parents had thought me how to properly react when bumping into a girl clad in nothing but a t-shirt and a bikini bottom (and presumably a bra underneath the shirt) while on the way to the man's toilet. To say that was an awkward situation would've been an understatement. Corridors need to be built wider. And girls who don't wear pants must make it a point not to stand on the sharp end of bends in the corridors.

A man who needs to pee is a man on a mission. He stops for nothing except to wonder why the hell is there a pants-less girl standing standing near the john's entrance.

And to be perfectly honest, I'm still wondering why.

The world is screwed.

Wake Up And Smell The Pee

2007-07-09T23:30:00.000+08:00

Today on the way to work, someone who either:
a. Peed on the bus
b. Smelled of pee

...boarded the bus. If it's even remotely possible, it felt as if I was being raped in the nose. The smell was so repulsive that a lady sitting a few seats down in front of me started fanning her hand in front of her nose. All the passengers that were asleep woke up.

And to make matters worse, the pee smelled just like old people "I don't drink enough water" dry pee.

I really should start leaving the house for work at normal yuppie hours. I'm sure the professional crowd will be a hundred times better than the crowd that's normally on the bus with me. But then again, that would mean no more bus stories for you all. Oh well.

Today Is Say Something Nice to Someone Day

2007-07-05T11:21:00.000+08:00

Today is the day everything goes wrong at work for you. You step into the office and the very first thing you see is emails reprimanding you on your handling of certain situations or emails from bosses or seniors telling you to buck up and get your act together. You sit down looking at them puzzled wondering what you did wrong but nobody offers you any answer to that except that you're f---ing up.

As you're sitting down wondering what inspired your bosses and seniors to write those emails to you, another senior drops by your cubicle to say a friendly hello in the form of a sentence that sounds similar to "well you're a royal screw up. Can't you ever do anything right?" This makes your day as you cheerily frown to yourself. You think back to what you could've done over the past few years that could've brought on today but you find yourself lost. You've always performed well at best and marginally well at worst at work. You make a few mistakes here and there but nothing ever life threatening. People who work with or around you tend to have better morale than most. So what's going on? Why are people harping on your recent slump?

And then you realize it's just what Asians do. They pick on people who under perform and ignore good performance because well, people are expected to perform well in the workplace anyway. You sigh a sigh of resignation and pick yourself up from your chair and head over to the water dispenser to grab yourself a cup of warm water.

On the way, to the water dispenser, you pass by the cubicle of one of your subordinates. You see her with her head on her desk. At first, you think that she's probably stealing a nap. But then you hear light sniffles coming from her. You steal a glance at her console monitor and see an email reprimanding her for a small typo in a proposal she helped prepare that caused an entire deal to fall apart.

"Hey, Tina," you say.

"Yeah?"

"About that proposal you prepared, I know the bosses aren't to happy about it but I thought you did a great job."

"Really?" she says with a small smile forming on her face.

"Yeah. I thought it was professional done and well, just about everything was perfect. Forget about that typo. Mistakes happen and bosses get their dicks caught in their zips sometimes. You're doing a great job with your reports and all. Keep it up," you end with a smile. You leave and continue on your odyssey to the water dispenser.

Halfway there, you think to yourself that wouldn't it be nice if everyone made it a point to say something nice to someone in spite of all the mistakes made and done.

Today is Say Something Nice to Someone Day people. Go and make someone's day.

Going In Deep

2007-07-03T11:38:00.000+08:00

Nasal irritations are a bitch. There's no denying that. There's nothing worse than sitting in the middle of a meeting with a flaring up nose that begs for your attention. Ok, there are worse things but lets not go there. I doubt anyone would find my "I tried to covertly zip up my pants after
I noticed it was open" story funny.

Back to nasal irritations. I can understand if a person finds it necessary to attend to an itchy nose indiscreetly while in public. Living in South East Asia, I've seen my fair share of public gold diggings from all races including ang moh tourist. Of course I'm in opinion that people who need to pick their noses in public should keep it fast. Keeping the finger up the hole for anything longer than 5 seconds is 2 minutes too long.

But not everyone shares my point of view on this. Yesterday on the bus while on the way to work, there was this Indian man sitting in front of me who went in deep, went in hard, and went in long. He stuck his finger in there really good and started to dig as furiously has he could. He must've had a boulder jammed up there or something because the way he was digging his nose looked like he was trying to dislodge one.

Normally nose diggers try to be as discreetly indiscreet as they can but this guy redefined the art of nose digging to new heights. I swear his entire arm went around in all direction as he tried to get in his nose as deep as possible. And he went at this for what seemed like 10 whole minutes stopping only to remove his finger every now and then (once, producing a long stream of while gooey liquid that hung from his nose to finger).

Quite frankly, I was disgusted but so utterly transfixed that if Kali the Goddess of Death had appeared next to me and tried to get my attention by killing everyone around me, I probably wouldn't have noticed.

Anyway, the guy did manage to solve his problem after a while. And when he did, the first thought that crossed my mind was, if I ever meet this guy in a meeting or whatnot, I'm never shaking his hand.

I am Emo Right Now. Shoot Me Now.

2007-06-29T12:29:00.000+08:00

F--- it.

Apologies to the implied vulgarities. I'm not awfully expressive emotionally. I've got a billion and one things on my mind right now. I wish I were a multi millionaire then at least 999,999,999 of those things will go away. I want to smile right now but have little reason to.

On the bright side, I just noticed a bag of toilet rolls in my office's toilet has a phrase printed on it that says "Something to smile about". Ironically, that put a smile on my face.

I Have a Shoe, And I Will Use It

2007-06-27T22:50:00.000+08:00

IF program code DOES NOT WORK, DO NEXT LINE
IF migraine GETS WORSE DO NEXT
  DO
   kicking bloody computer until it submits to your will
  WHILE program code STILL DOES NOT WORK AND headache PERSISTS
  END migraine IF
END program code IF

To whoever invented programming, be afraid. Very afraid. I'm coming after your ass.

Some People Shouldn't be Left To Make Their Own Decisions

2007-06-24T23:17:00.000+08:00

If a difference between a Big Mac and a Big Mac with cheese was the different between life and death, I estimate that 20% of the Earth's population would be royally screwed. No, I'm serious. I swear that one out of every 5 people I'm caught up behind at fast food restaurants, that one has to be one who's indecisive to the point of hopelessness.

And I'm not talking about occasional indecisiveness or reasonable indecisiveness. I'm talking about total incapacitating indecisiveness.

Today, I was caught up behind this 40 year old crusty old Chinese man at my neighbourhood's Burger King. The guy, to his credit, already had in mind what he wanted to eat by the time it was his turn. "A [insert fancy corporate branding name here] burger and a small coke" he said. Reasonable enough. The cashier, a friendly enough guy who moved faster than an agitated dog on crack but got things done at the speed of a turtle, felt obliged to inform crusty that by buying a meal, he'd get the burger, a drink, AND FRIES for the exact same price.

I swear if you could hear a brain shut down, it would be the very thing that would've rung out loud there and then. Crusty was incapacitated, he didn't know what to decide. I could hear him debating in his head whether or not to go for:
a. a burger and a coke
b. a burger, a coke, and fries

for the same price. Eventually, the cashier decided for crusty. Wisely, he chose option (A) for crusty. Because some people are just not deserving of fries.

Today is Get Your Ass Touched by Some Random Saleperson Day

2007-06-20T22:50:00.000+08:00

Today will be a different day for you. It will be a day like no other day you've ever had for the last 48 hours. Today will be the day you get touched. Literally. While no one on earth would protest to getting their ass touched by someone they trust and love (mutual exclusivity notwithstanding), the last person anyone would have ever wanted to touch their love mounds would be that friendly car salesperson in your city's largest mall.

And so there you are standing there faced with an awkward situation. On one side, you have yourself nursing a recently violated fanny. On the other, stands the salesperson of your gender smiling at you with that cocky 'I have a brochure' smile. In his/her hand, the materials used to perpetrate the crime otherwise known as car brochures. Between both of you, a minute long uncomfortable silence with you franticly thinking what you should do while he/she waits for you to change your mind on that new Mazda 3 he/she's trying to sell you.

You COULD make a big deal about it but you realize that no one's going to take you seriously since all the salesperson did was brush your butt with a roll of brochures as you said "No thanks, not interested" to him/her. Of course it is your ass and who's to say how you should feel about it getting touched consciously by some random person whom you barely know.

You could, touch his/her butt back and in fact, you seriously begin considering it. If this salesperson could so boldly brush your ass with a rolled stack of brochures, what's to prevent you from brushing his/her ass back? And just as you're about to get back at Captain Brushbutt, a shuddering thought dawns upon you.

What if he/she is gay?

You catch yourself midway and swear to yourself under your breath. Maybe you could sue for sexual harassment? you think. But then it dawns on you that you can only sue for that in a limited number of circumstances. Quickly, you iterate through your mind what those circumstances are and come up with the following:

1. If perpetrator is male, and you are female, you are allowed to sue for sexual harassment.
2. #1 is really all there is.

You swear again but this time more audibly. This clearly isn't playing out the way you want it to play out.

In the end, you give up. You reach a hand out towards' Captain Brushbutt and at that moment, lose yourself and instead of brushing the back of your hand against his/her ass, you cop a feel. Brochures come fluttering down to the grown as an audible gasp is heard. There is another awkward silence but this time it only last for a few seconds before it's overshadowed by a loud scream/shout. The commotion draws a crowd and soon you find yourself and the salesperson surrounded by a good thirty people and growing.

And tomorrow, you'll discover for the first time the term 'assault' in the small claims court where your hearing is schedules. Makes you wonder why you didn't think of suing for that instead now didn't you?

Back

2007-06-18T23:46:00.000+08:00

Apologies for the long silence since my birthday post. I've been pretty busy as usual since (which still explains why I haven't popped by your blogs if I read them). I just got back from Melaka yesterday and wasn't greeted with a burnt computer power supply that took out some files of mine.

Joy.

Anyway, once things are back in order, regular blogging will resume here. Hopefully, that's going to happen real soon.

24 Years Old and Non The Wiser

2007-06-11T22:35:00.000+08:00

Things that haven't changed in my life:
1. Have the hots (read: celebrity crush) for a certain Singaporean lesbian blogger who goes by the name of Popagandhi.
2. I'm still very much juvenile in nature. My idea of funny is magic marker-ing a passed out guy's face.
3. My proudest moment in life is STILL the day I lead a pack of half dressed men on a chase after 3 very lost girls who somehow roamed into the grounds of an all boys school.
4. I am still a racist. I hate the Chinese.
5. I still speak with a slur that makes me sound like a retarded monkey on crack every now and then.

Things that have changed in my life:
1. Bought new socks. Oh the joy!

That's about it.

One Year Older Today

2007-06-10T00:18:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthday to me. Yay.

TiT: This is Tuesday

2007-06-04T23:17:00.000+08:00

This is Tuesday and the day starts out for you just like any other TiT day. You step out of bed, groggy and lightheaded, and accidentally stub your toe against your bedroom door. You scream out the word "Bitch!" as loud as you can in a vain effort to relieve yourself of some of the pain and your mum screams back at you with a "What?!"

With much effort, you hop to your bathroom with one foot while waving your arms in an attempt to maintain your balance like a trapeze artist on crack. A momentary lapse in balance causes you to flail your arms wildly and lose hold of your towel which goes flying out of your hand and into the toilet. In frustration, you shout "Bitch!" out loud and your mum shouts back, "What the bleedin' hell do you want?!" You open the bathroom door slightly and sheepishly say to your mum, "Towel please. Second drawer from the bottom."

After 20 minutes (or more depending on your gender orientation), you're cleaned up and ready for work. Now all you need to do is to get dressed. Because you forgot to do your laundry over the weekend, all you have left to wear today is a black blouse/shirt which is lying nicely at the foot of your closet with your white Siamese cat called Spot lying on it. Painstakingly, you remove all the lint of your blouse/shirt with a lint remover.

You are now 40 minutes late for work.

At work, things don't get any better. Some idiot left a stapler on your seat and you just sat on it. Feeling the sting on your buttocks, you jump out of your seat and scream "Bitch!" while wildly slapping at your love cheeks. A dozen or so people scream "What?!" back at you.

Angry and frustrated, you head off to the pantry to grab some much needed coffee. To your horror, you discover a note pasted on the pantry wall announcing that management has decreed that the company will now be a 'caffeine free' company and has decreed that only decaffed coffee shall be found in the office from this day forward.

And so you head back to your desk all groggy and tired and start up your mail application. Thinking the day couldn't get any worse, you were sadly proven wrong when your mail application chirpily announces that you 249 new messages. With a sigh, you quietly say to yourself, "This is Tuesday."

Somewhere roughly 300 miles away from where you are in another cubicle farm in some far off company, a man accidentally trips over a stray piece of wire in his cubicle, tips over a giant tower of files, and spills boiling hot coffee all over his crotch region. But unlike you whom misfortune befalls only once a week, this man sighs to himself and says, "SSDD: Same Shit, Different Day".

This is a Friday Post

2007-06-01T23:40:00.000+08:00

This is a Friday post. It is written 13 minutes before Saturday. I forgot I've not written a Friday post yet. But luckily, I've remembered. Nothing like a good shower to jog the dead memory.

And oh crap it's June. My birthday is somewhere in this month though I rather not remember when. That plus a whole bunch of projects.

I.am.going.to.die.

Bye bye.

This Friday post was completed 10 minutes before Saturday.

And one last thing.

Weiweiweiweiweiweiweiweiweiweiweiweiweiweiweiwei.

You Make My Ears Bleed

2007-05-30T22:15:00.000+08:00

Dear strange woman with an unknown phone number,

First off, I really appreciate your calls. They really brighten up my day. Why, every time my phone rings and it's an unknown number and when I answer it only to hear your voice, birds fall right out of sky to the ground and wither and die from the sudden onslaught of cheerfulness you bring to the day.

I swear that every time you open your mouth to speak, a deaf person would suddenly gain back his hearing and then promptly stab himself in the ears with a pencil just to spare himself the agony of listening to your voice for a second longer.

And speaking about your mouth, learn some English dammit. I swear there's nothing more annoying on this side of Earth than a lady blurting out a thousand wei-s (hello in mandarin) a minute. I know it's a lot easier to say wei continuously as compared to hello but that DOES NOT give you the right to go weiweiweiweiweiwei every time I am forced to answer the phone. I mean, come on! I've already answered the damn phone and said hello to you. Say something more intelligent than a whole cacophony of wei-s for crying out loud.

And about Mandarin, I don't understand it. I understand splatterings of it but whenever somebody speaks a full sentence to me, I'm blur fucked. So please don't hold it against me when every time I ask you to speak in English whenever you allow me an opening to in between all your wei-s and summarily off my phone whenever you reply is some random sounding Chinese phrase.

And don't hold it against me whenever I slam shut my phone whenever you call back. I really don't want to because I'm a nice guy but I can't help it BECAUSE YOU'RE A REALLY RETARDED TURD WHO CAN'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU'VE GOTTEN THE DAMN WRONG NUMBER AND KEEPS SAYING WEI!

Mysterious lady, if you're reading this, I hope you feel good about yourself because you've gotten me pissed off and that's not an easy feat to do. And oh, if I ever find out who you are, I am so going to throw an egg at you for pulling this stunt on me while I was in Malaysia. Roaming charges aren't cheap. But of course you don't care because you're a bitch.

And guess what, that rhymes.

Yours truly,
Merv

I Wanna Be Famous

2007-05-28T22:03:00.000+08:00

This song speaks everything that's on my mind right now.

I wanna be famous.

I also wanna be in a cool climate country right now. This damned heat isn't doing me and my recovery any good.

Off To KL

2007-05-23T15:55:00.000+08:00

Am off to KL for a business trip. Be back on Monday.

Until then, have a nice weekend everyone!

p.s. I'm still sick.

I Wish I Had Cool Mutant Healing Powers

2007-05-21T20:59:00.000+08:00

When you're really sick, every step you take feels like you've just walked a mile. And when you're sick and you're walking when your body is flaring up and refusing to go any further, you know you must be desperate for something.

In my case, it was the neighborhood doctor.

And so today, after working half day and dragging my sorry ass back home, I decided that I really need some medicine after nursing a cold over the weekend. I rationalized that I'd better get this whole visiting doctor thing out of the way as soon as possible so at 4pm, I trudged out of the house under the hot sun to my friendly neighborhood doctor.

The clinic isn't too far away. It's only about 200 meters away. But boy was it agonizing to walk that far. And to make matters worse, when I got there, the clinic was closed. I swear I sweared my head off.

The odd thing is, things like this always happens when I get sick. The last time I was sick (last year about the same time), the neighborhood doctor in the area I was staying went out of business.

I am convinced life is having a good laugh at me right now.

When The Going Gets Tough...

2007-05-17T10:10:00.000+08:00

When the going gets tough,
When my mind is bogged down with a billion and one things that could go wrong,
When I wonder if I'm ever going to make it through the rough,
When I ask myself what I'm doing wrong.

Never doth once do they fail once do they fail to entertain,
Those fugging idiots next door who sing in vain,
At the karaoke bar at the other end of my office wall,
My gawd I swear that their voices made the Berlin wall fall.

But shut them out of my mind I know I must,
Else my ears turn into rust.
How I must endure all that gawdawful noise,
Coming from people who think the have a voice.

I thank God and all the heavens above that my work ends at six,
If not, I would surely be sick.

Which leads me to wonder, how come I never hear any noises from the Kama Sutra class next door?

Maybe Singaporeans like having sex in silence hor? Heh Heh.

Great Conversation Killers

2007-05-14T14:54:00.000+08:00

Conversation #1
Friend: Yo, what are you up to man?
Me: Chewing on my banana.
Friend: Mwuh?!
Me: Nothing beats a nice firm, ripe, yellow banana.

Conversation #2
Friend: I wonder what the girl in the picture was trying to do.
Me: My nipples are hard.

The Desk Monkey Blues

2007-05-09T18:41:00.000+08:00

I've been putting so much brain behind my work of late that I've not responded to a single comment in over a week, have lost more hair, have written half arsed crappy post about godknowswhatihaventaslightestclue, look quite emaciated from an unbalanced diet, no wait, what the hell am I talking about, I AM EMACIATED!

I must look pretty horrible now. My hair being all in a mess, eyes that look like they haven't seen anything but code in days, and but skinny face to accentuate my already skinny features.

If any of you guys are still reading this blog, please do not feel compelled to leave a comment of encouragement though one would be highly appreciate. *hint hint*

Or better still, anyone know of protein shakes that work without exercise?

This Is Bull

2007-05-07T16:00:00.000+08:00

This is me trying to write something coherent despite being so sleepy that I even dozed off at my desk for a complete hour.

That's all. I hoped you enjoyed that as much as I didn't.

China, Let's See how Much You Like a Metal Rod Shoved Up Your...

2007-05-04T11:40:00.000+08:00

A recent BBC article reports on how China is trying to negotiate it's way out of sticker CO2 controls. The article writes:

Attempts to change the emphasis of the report to reflect the new figures have been angrily resisted by Chinese delegates at the conference.
They argue that any change in emphasis would be unsupported by any economic evidence, and would threaten to undermine the nation's drive to tackle poverty.

Oh for f-'s sake.

Look, China, let's get something straight here. The world is about to screw itself over and you guys are trying bargain your way out of this?! Let's see how well you yellow bastards up north bargain when the world decides to play he he with you and floods all your coastal cities and brings about drought and famine to all your inland areas!

What economic evidence do you guys need? You guys are already fast becoming a global economic power and can afford to help save the world. Undermine your nation's drive to tackle poverty? Let me help you on that bit: cut government corruption. That'll save you millions a month which in turn will offset the cost of tackling poverty.

If you think that global warming is a joke to be taken lightly, then come live in South East Asia for an entire year without the luxury of air conditioners and expensive Mercedes Benz cars. See how you enjoy the heat AND THEN tell us how you don't want to put the other half of your ass to work on the problem of global warming.

I swear if I were the president of some developed country, I'd wage war on you guys just for being stupid.

2nd Quarter Blues

2007-05-02T10:57:00.000+08:00

It's the 2nd quarter of the year and I'm feeling a little down. To my dismay, I seem to have accomplished very little of my '07 goals. Out of the # things I had planned on accomplishing this year, none of them are done yet.

Somethings I had in mind of accomplishing this year are:
1. Taking over the world
2. Getting hitched to a supermodel
3. Owning my first tank
4. Getting Canada renamed as Mervland
5. Writing the first ever 10,000,000 paged book

As you can see, I've still got a lot of work to get done so if you'll excuse me, I'm going to try to take over the world first. See you all on Friday.

Nicknames from Yore

2007-04-30T23:58:00.000+08:00

When I was young, I used to get called a lot of things. Here are some of those nicknames that people called me by.

1. Stupid
From parents, to teachers, to friends, everyone has called me stupid at some point or other in my life. Of course this doesn't constitute as a nickname if used in adjective form but when used as noun, it is a perfectly legal nickname.

For example:
"Hey stupid, you mum is here."

2. Dickhead
I never liked this one but got called it nonetheless. I only have my ex girlfriend to blame for that.

3. Mervius Maximus Bodacius the Great
This was really my own nickname to myself. I tried encouraging people to refer me as such but everyone refused to. I have no idea why but I suspect it's because it's such a cool name that referring to me as such would cause a person to combust into a ball of flame.

This post is really a meme from Pelf.

Lenovo Sells Most Expensive Laptop in the World

2007-04-26T15:15:00.000+08:00

Just when was beginning to think that the days of obscenely expensive electronics were at an end, Lenovo had to shatter that dream with a laptop priced at $192,012.45. For that price, I'd rather buy 2 Lithuanian brides, a decent car, and a more than decent Dell laptop.

What in the world was Lenovo thinking?!

Source: IBM
Plugged from: Mrbrown

Things I Found Out When Watching Phantom of The Opera

2007-04-25T10:31:00.000+08:00

I found out some things on Saturday when I went to watch Phantom of the Opera at Singapore's Esplanade theater. It was the first large play I've ever been to but I discovered that the experience is really not that different from going to the cinema. Here's why.

1. There's bound to be some member of the audience who'll be coughing away throughout the entire show.

2. Regardless of how urbane and sophisticated the theater crowd is supposed to be, your chair will still get kicked by the person sitting behind you.

3. People will still talk all throughout the performance.

4. In house drinks still cost an arm and a leg. Always bring your own water.

5. As far as possible, keep your bladders empty because like the movies, no one's going to appreciate it when you get up to leave for the toilet.

6. Screaming 'Encore!' out loud is not going to get the cast to perform your favourite number one last time. Rolling around the ground and crying like a baby doesn't work either.

The Curious Incident of the Head Swaying, Window Banging Boy

2007-04-23T11:00:00.000+08:00

When you're sitting at the window seat of a bus, there is a way to fall asleep without drawing too much attention to yourself or causing the guy behind you to freak out. To do this, simply rest your head on the window, tilt your body a little, just doze off, and let someone else after you worry/get grossed out at the greasy head stains you just left behind.

Never ever at any moment should you let your head go freestyle and just follow the motions of the bus. No matter how tired you are (I've been so tired before that the minute I closed my eyes, I slipped into REM in a bus), you should always try to remain inconspicuous.

Today I was sitting behind a guy who failed to remain inconspicuous in his attempt to sleep in the bus. He was one of those rare one's who just let his head go freestyle. Midway through the bus journey, this guy just decided to doze off. The minute he closed his eyes, his head started swaying with the bus. And then it happened.

Bonk went his head against the window of the bus. He woke up, shook his head a little, and went back to sleep. I thought he'd probably wizen up and watch the swaying of his head. I couldn't have been more wrong. I think throughout the entire time I was on the bus, he must've let his head hit the side of the bus for about 6-9 times (there is a joke here. Spot it).

It was quite a sight really to see a guy whack his head on the window, wake up, and go back to sleep only to repeat this process many more times and never wizen up.

Which leads me to believe that there is no hope left for the human race. The next generation is doomed I swear.

I Dine Here and So Should You

2007-04-20T13:04:00.000+08:00

Short Note:
Comment moderation turned on for the weekend. The commandment "Thou shalt not flame or attempt to start flame wars on Merv's blog" has been ignored. So therefore, will have to turn this on till Monday. Sorry all!

A man needs his favourite chow spots. A place to rest his loins after a long day at work and kick back and relax. A place where the food doesn't even taste half as good as his mother's cooking and sure as hell isn't even half as healthy.

Listed below are my top 5 favourite eating locations that can be found in both Singapore and Malaysia.

#1 Burger King
Nothing says 'glutton' more than a Double Whooper Burger with large coke and fries and a Hershey Pie on the side (No, I don't mean THAT Hershey pie).

#2 McDonald's
If a kiss is a sign of affection from a loved one, then McDonald's chocolate sundae is their sign of affection to me. I swear that they had me in mind when they thought up that desert.

#3 Any plain old kopitiam
Kicking back, sipping on ice milo/coffee/tea is my thing and there's nowhere better on Earth to do that than at a nice little coffee shop. Starbucks and Coffeebean is for hippies.

#4 Delifrance
I dine here whenever I'm feeling like a pompous prick. Other than that, there should be no good reason why anyone would want to eat here. Unless of course you happen to be French.

#5 California Pizza
In life, there's California Fitness where healthy people go to and then there's California Pizza where the rest of us slobs go to. The advantage that the pizza has over the gym is that unlike the gym, California Pizza has a sweet 2 for the price of 1 pizza deal. At California Fitness, all I get is some muscled up personal trainer called Rod preaching to me of the virtues on why I should hire him as my own personal trainer.

Between us, I'll take the pizza any day. Rod can err... Shove it.

This post was really a meme from the Princess of Ipoh. I shall tag no one.

15 Easy Steps in Installing a New Harddisk

2007-04-18T12:43:00.001+08:00

Step 1: Pry open PC casing. If PC case is cheap Chinese brand, read Step 2. Otherwise Skip to Step 3.

Step 2: Stub finger against sharp and rough edge of PC case after successfully prying open case after 1 hour of poking and prodding. Cry like a baby/curse like a sailor for the next 5 minutes.

Step 3: Drink beer.

Step 4: Sort through messy cables and see your fingers go black from months of dirt and grime. Connect and mount new harddisk.

Step 5: Power up PC only to discover that you've plugged the wrong cable to the harddisk.

Step 6: Drink more beer.

Step 7: Redo cabling and this time, get it right. Power up PC and smile with glee.

Step 8: Forget how to perform low level formats, create active disk, and screw up on setting partition sizes.

Step 9: Drink even more beer.

Step 10: Reinstall OS and drink some beer while impatiently waiting for it to finish.

Step 11: Discover that you don't have most of the installers for your favorite programs and you now need to re-download them all.

Step 12: Upgrade to vodka.

Step 13: Attempt to download back everything only to have the internet connection break on you a few times.

Step 14: Drink double shots of vodka.

Step 15: Call it a night and vow to get everything right the next day. Besides, by now, you should be totally pissed with your head on your keyboard and droll dripping out your mouth.

Situations I'd Never Want to Be In

2007-04-16T15:47:00.001+08:00

1. Hanging off a cliff for my dear life with one arm, an itchy armpit, and the other arm broken.

2. Being stranded on a deserted island with an extremely frisky gay man.

3. Waking up naked and hungover in the middle of a park with a tattoo of some guy's name with the words "Thanks for last night" etched across my chest.

4. Walking around with my shorts on backwards for an entire day. Of course this has already happened so by right, this shouldn't be here.

5. Having an extremely beautiful woman recognize me, wave to me, and say hi to me in public and me not remembering who she is.

6. Stepping into a business meeting with my fly open.

7. Breaking my back while taking a poop in a mall toilet.

Apple Versus Microsoft: They Both Suck

2007-04-13T11:28:00.000+08:00

In my office sits a nice shiny notebook loaded with Microsoft Vista. No one has really used it except me and every time I use it, I feel like kicking it in the face and that's an understatement. I brought the notebook home for the weekend once and the only thing I can think of in describing the experience is it's like having a really beautiful/sexy woman sitting on your bed purring for you to come to bed with her except you wont because she's got bad breath, a lousy attitude, AIDS, syphilis, gonorrhea, a leaky bowel, flatulence issues, genital warts, and a thousand other nasty things that makes you want to throw her out the window (no pun intended) more than anything else.

Can you believe Windows Vista won't even let me run MSN Messenger? What travesty.

I can hear all the Macintosh users giggling in glee.

Of course, while most Mac users would go on boasting about how great OS X (read as OS TEN and not OS EX) is such a great operating system and such, in essence, the Tiger (otherwise known as OS X which is read as OS Ten) is just as sucky as Windows. Here's why:

1. It can't play more than half the coolest PC games out on the market. And no, Bejewelled and other Popcap games DO NOT count.

2. To my knowledge, only one virus has ever been written for OS X and it's not because OS X is so secure as hyped by many Maclites. It's because nobody cares and most hackers and virus writers are 30 year old geeks who stay with their mothers, hate Windows, use Linux, and wouldn't touch a Mac with a 10 foot pole even if it were laden with geek porn.

3. In my hands, OS X hangs as much as Linux Ubuntu and Windows XP.

4. Deep down inside, OS X is really FreeBSD which is really UNIX. Of course this is a brownie point for Apple for building their operating system of an older more stable OS which is really great with no sarcasm implied but a lot of Mac users don't know this and when I point it out, they tell me I'm just "Apple hating".

Of course dear people who are reading this, don't let all that distract you from the fact that Windows still sucks. Windows Vista is annoying as hell and until they address some of the issues that plague it, I'm not even going to use it. I'm happy enough with Windows XP as sucky as that is as well.

Before I end, let's just set one thing straight here. Microsoft is not interested in world domination. If they were, they wouldn't have invested $134 million in Apple stocks when Apple was near bankruptcy which injected life back into Apple and saw the return of Steve Jobs as CEO and the birth of the iBook G series and the iMacs.

Apple is just as fallible as Microsoft. My proof? The Apple Lisa and Windows ME, two of the greatest bastards in computing history.

Now, some videos to entertain you all.

Grab a Boob

2007-04-11T12:27:00.001+08:00

Before I start on this post, lets just get a few things out of the way. I know what it's like to be completely smashed on alcohol. I've been smashed a couple of times. There are 4 types of drunks in this world. The first is the type that just drops dead on the spot. The second is the type is the drunk Irishman type who hurls insults at everyone. The third is the type that pukes so much liquids that makes the River Ganges curl up in shame and start crying like a little baby. And the last is me, the type that pisses off everyone, pukes out everything, and goes home and takes a nice nap and wakes up in the morning wondering why his underwear is worn on the wrong way.

Of course the relevancy of that last paragraph to the rest of this post is practically zilch. I just did that to get your attention. And now that I have it, this is what I have to say.

There are two types of males in this world: men and snakes.

I was reading this blog post the other day that was about what a girl saw at a club. Basically the story goes something like this, she was at a club and saw a guy who was taking advantage of this girl who was totally pissed (drunk). The guy had his hands inside the girl's tube (no, not THAT tube) and was having the time of his life while the girl sat passed out.

I think anyone who's been clubbing at least once in their lives would tell you that it's not uncommon to see guys in clubs taking advantage of passed out girls. I've seen it before and I've sure as hell heard a lot of stories of that happening.

Snakes like to hang out where they know they'll get lucky. I'm not saying all guys who club are snakes heavens no. I'm saying that there are some guys out there who go to clubs for more than just drinks and music. And ladies, you guys need to watch out for these guys and the best way to keep them off you is to keep sober.

Remember, if there's anything snakes hate more than their preachy mothers is preys that'll kick them right in the balls.

Message of The Day

2007-04-10T12:01:00.001+08:00

Short Note:

Blog to be updated TRI WEEKLY from now on. Come back on MONDAYS, WEDNESDAYS, and FRIDAYS. I would update on Tuesdays and Thursdays too if only there were a day in the week that starts with 'I'. Then the abbreviation would be cool. Read: TIT.

Anyway, since I love you all, I guess I owe you lot an explanation. I've been rather tied up of late and pushing out daily post has been rather taxing. By writing tri-weekly, it's my hope that the quality of my posts will increase and not be a whole bunch of gibberish like this.

So remember y'all, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

Cheers!

'What If' Monday

2007-04-09T11:36:00.001+08:00

If software, computers, and all things IT were a person, I would kick it in the face and beat it into a bloody pulp without thinking twice.

And somehow I have this feeling that I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Utopia Sounds Like a Nice Place

2007-04-04T11:16:00.001+08:00

Because there has been in recent months a need for it, I have started a personal blog somewhere on the Intarweb. I won't be publishing the URL here but all who are interested in reading more personal angsty post from yours truly may email (Friendster messages count) or message (if you have me on chat) me for the address. Asking me face to face will get you no where.

-------------------- cut along the lines for actual post --------------------

This is actually a meme courtesy of Tine. But you may ignore that last line.

I think if there's anywhere I'd like to go in this lifetime, it'd be Utopia. From everything I've heard about Utopia, I have to say that it sure sounds like a mighty fine place to be. What could be better than a world that exist on the principles of "For the common good"?

I tried looking for pictures of Utopia but all I got was this picture of a topless woman with space ships resembling giant phalluses flying all around.

I can live with the topless woman bit but the flying phallii? Nah. But whatever. I still would like to go to Utopia one day.

Unfortunately, the closest sounding country in existence today that sounds anything like Utopia is Ethiopia. And from everything I've heard about that place, it doesn't sound like a place I'd like to be.

**********************************************************

**Start Copy**

Proposition: Where do you want to go next (OUTSIDE OF YOUR COUNTRY) for tourism, work , study, whatever…

Requirements: Find some info about the place, itinerary, etc ... pics if possible so you get MORE Traffic coming in, and maybe some people can find somewhere to go to. Excludes your NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOURS, ie. Singapore, Malaysia, Brunei, a country that borders yours. You must register for MyBloglog so we can blogwalk ah ... get it?

Quantity: FIVE PEOPLE.

Tag Mode: Chain Link. 15 of them.

You leave 15 people and their DEEP LINK of their Blog Name and TAGGED POST and hit out for five more. So it will look like this ...

Tine screams Viva la France!

Azrin going Down Under

MaRLinda in Disneyland Paris

Athira Baby and her Balamory Antics

Msau to Japan

Doris to the Carribean Islands

Paris and Bella Italia!

I tag no one.

Ang Moh Not So Refined

2007-04-03T12:58:00.001+08:00

Whoever said that white people are more refined and cultured than Asian people (that includes Indians and Middle Easterns because you guys are PART OF ASIA) has got to be kidding me. Yes, they may have invented culture so to speak (think Greeks) and they are generally more polite when compared to the typical Chinese Beng but if there's one place where all cultured culture senses fail, it's on the bus.

Over the weekend, I sat behind this ang moh couple on my bus home. At first, they were behaving just like everybody else on the bus. They were sitting down still and quiet, and basically, just looking very unassuming. But I suppose all that monotony got to the guy after awhile. Midway through the trip, he started scratching at his dried up acne and when he got bored doing that, he dug his ear with the same finger he just used on his acne.

Well, that's all normal and fine I guess. But what he did next totally shattered my innocentish perception of white people. After picking at dried acne and digging his ear a few times, he smelt his finger, dug his ear a little, he then dug is nose and put his finger to his lips. I have no idea if he put it in his mouth or not but hey, that's a little disgusting if you know what I mean. In the first place, picking at acnes with dirty fingers is so counter productive.

But I guess I should give them a little benefit of doubt. They've probably been in South East Asia so long until they've been Chinese-sified.

Having No Foreskin Has Its Advantages

2007-03-29T11:29:00.001+08:00

A BBC article recently reported that the WHO has backed the use of male circumcision as a method of preventing HIV infection. The report stated that three African trial runs have "shown that circumcision halved the rate of HIV infection in heterosexual men". For mathematically challenged individuals, that's 5 out of every 10.

How these trials were conducted, however, remains quite a mystery. We're African men circumcised and then expected to have sex with HIV infected females? Who knows. What we do know is that with the HIV risk factor being reduced to half, circumcision has never looked more appealing. But one begs to ask, how exactly does getting foreskin lobbed off help in reducing the odds of infection? The BBC report had this to say: "Specific cells in the foreskin may be potential targets for HIV infection and also the skin under the foreskin becomes less sensitive and is less likely to bleed reducing risk of infection following circumcision."

Rabbi Yosef Yitzhak of a prominent Jewish community in Ethiopia is proud that his community is leading the is leading the way in the fight against HIV. "Our boys are circumcised at the age of 12," proudly proclaims the rabbi. "Coincidentally, this is also the time when most boys hit puberty. So we get them right before they start sleeping around."

Of course, circumcision does have it's drawback, particularly in the first month. Peter Mamoombo of Eritrea tells of how having sex within the first two weeks of his operation was like "dipping my penis into a vat of battery acid." Being sexually active, he considered many ways of relieving his sexual urgings. "I tried asking my girlfriend to give me blowjobs. In the past, this was never a problem but now it was. Not only did it hurt, the taste of blood sent her into a frenzy. She tried biting off my penis," he recounts with watery eyes. "She's Japanese."

Dr Kramer Hill of the Center Of Circumcision, Kenya (otherwise known as C.O.C.K. in short) worries that experiences like that of Peter Mamoonbo might discourage other men from getting themselves cut. "We must encourage men all around the globe to get themselves cut. With only half the chance of getting HIV after the operation, it's pain well offsets the risk of infection."

Others are more skeptical at the report. The homosexual community in particular feels left out. "We too, want to have half the chance of getting an HIV infection after getting our wee wees 'shaved'," says prominent gay activist Hanz Heinz Fitzgerald. "At the moment, the only incentive we homosexuals have from getting cut is that unhygienic partners wont be presenting us with 'cheese' during intercourse." Cheese meaning the buildup of accumulated filth beneath the foreskin.

To cut or not to cut remains the question but no matter what the answer, the condom still remains the safer bet.

Read the full report at BBC.

If That's An Opinion, Then I'm Really a Billionaire In Disguise

2007-03-28T12:53:00.001+08:00

Don't you just hate it when you go to someone hoping to get an opinion on something like if a shirt color suits you and get a "well, it's your decision" instead?

Well no doh. I couldn't have figured that one out by myself. The most amazing thing is that people who normally shoot me that line are usually the same people who seek other people's opinions the most: shopaholics.

But I shant rant about that lest I end up stepping on any toes. Instead, I shall grace this post with some other great 'opinions' I've received over the years.

1. What do you think? (I believe this response is meant to make the opinion seeker look like an idiot)

2. Up to you lor. (If this is an opinion, then I'm dating a hot supermodel)

Know anymore? Feel free to add to the list.

Things You Should Know About Photography

2007-03-27T12:15:00.001+08:00

From an amateur to n00bs. A few pointers I've picked up from my many months of experience.

1. A well exposed photograph does not mean a picture of yourself/others standing in front of the lens in your underwear/swimwear/nude.

2. Having a pretty girl in your shots nearly always makes every picture you take good.

3. Self camwhoring with a prosumer dSLR requires strong arms.

4. Always bring spare batteries unless of course your camera is meant more as a tool to attract the opposite gender more than it is for photography. In which case, you're better off walking a dog.

5. You can have a 4000 dollar camera but if all you're ever going to take is you wiggling your toes, then you're a retard.

6. The equipment rarely matters. It's the photographer.

7. Size doesn't matter. It's how you use it.

8. Know what you want in your pictures. If you go to a car show with the aim of taking pictures of cars you'll never own, don't come out with pictures of car models only. Make sure you have a picture of a car or two to redeem yourself in the eyes of your friends later.

I Have Sexy Tan Lines

2007-03-26T12:27:00.001+08:00

A weekend's worth of activities out in the sun has blessed me with a very sexy tan. I personally would describe my tan as a mocha-chocolatey-vanilla kind of unmixed brown.

Basically, that means that my arms are sexily dark brown but without my shirt on, my sexy man chest would cause so much reflection of light that anyone who stares at my glorious abs or chest would be immediately blinded.

I feel so Spartan. Not.

Today Is The Rest of Your Life Day

2007-03-22T10:22:00.000+08:00

You wake up this morning and realize how boringly mundane your life is. As a slave to your local multi billion dollar corporation otherwise known as The Government, you realize that your life is nothing more than waking up 7am in the morning, washing up and catching the bus by 8am, and sitting behind a desk making phone calls and sending emails for the next 8 to 10 hours. You try to take comfort in the thought of your after work activities but morbidly realize that all the dancing, alcohol, and draggy Amway meetings you commit yourself to weekly does little more than make your next day feel all the more morbid due to the exhaustion you wrought unto yourself.

And then you do it. You decide to commit your life to a life changing experience. A million and one possibilities race through your mind. From moving off to Calcutta and dedicating your life to serving the poor, to working in a vibrant and exciting dot com company. You writhe in excitement at what your future could be like.

But then it dawns on you. Sooner or later, your exciting life would one day become routine all over again. You try to rationalize the idea of job hopping ever so often but even changing jobs can become a menial routine task after awhile. No matter where you run, you'll just get dumped back into a life of mediocre existence.

You slump back onto your bed, heave a sigh, and mutter the word "crap" under your breath. As if life wanted to console you, your dog jumps into bed with you and licks your toes but decides that it didn't quite fancy the taste of them so decides to puke all over you and the bedsheets which is at least something different for today or would have been if it hadn't happened before many, many, many times over for the last 5 years.

Welcome to The Rest of Your Life Day.

Bird Brained

2007-03-21T11:26:00.000+08:00

Alynna writes:

In Neuroscience today, we were looking at a bit of historical methodology stuff. The lecturer picked a select few neuroscientists to talk about and she was joking that she knows we all have pictures of our favourite neuroscientists up on the wall in our rooms, or perhaps even a little shrine.

All I could think about was that I WOULD have Derek McDreamy Shepherd's lovely face up on my wall if I had a picture of him. ;)

Oh, and this is the ancient hieroglyph for 'brain'.

Source

Anyone else find it ironic that it has a bird in it? =P

...
..
.
..
...

(As in bird brain for those who didn't get it)

Well mate, not really. Considering what most men think with most of the time, I'm not surprised at all. Go figure eh. *winks*

My Fingers Fell Off

2007-03-20T10:25:00.000+08:00

Short Notes:
More Singapore Before Bedtime can be found on my Flickr page. If you have a Flickr account, feel free to add me as a contact. It has perks. For example, all contacts get to ~~steal~~ download my pictures.

You know you're going to have a really painful bus journey when the temperature in the bus is what a penguin would call home. I swear my fingers nearly went numb.

Unfortunately for me, my brain is still numb from all the cold and isn't functioning properly as yet. I guess this is what it's like to be in a near hypothermic state. Okay, I'm exaggerating. The bus was cold but not that cold and my brain isn't so numb until I can barely think.

After all if my brain were frozen, I would know that 1 + 1 = 3.

I am elite.

Singapore Before Bedtime

2007-03-19T11:19:00.000+08:00

One sure sign of aging is when if you're male, you begin to enjoy photography more than you ever did before.

I must be getting old.

Anyway, I've started a personal project called "Singapore Before Bedtime". The idea of this project is to get my lazy arse out of the house every weekend and snap as many pictures of Singapore (since I'm currently staying here) as I can within a certain time frame, and then go home and post edit them before bedtime.

It's quite a challenge I must say.

Okay, enough talk. Here are some shots I took.

You know you're weird when...

2007-03-16T11:48:00.000+08:00

#1. Wikipedia is your ultimate source of all things dealing with knowledge and you find yourself saying "Well, I read in Wikipedia that..." more than anything else.

#2. Your idea happiness is not being tucked snugly in bed on a nice cool day but rather, your idea of happiness is global cooling and global hyper deflation.

#3. When you fart, you like to make it known.

#4. You swear by denim and only by denim. Any other pieces of clothing you don that are not of denim are second class. You also happen to stay in South East Asia where being decked out in denim is a one way ticket to the loony bin.

#5. You swear by Microsoft Windows.

#6. 1/3rd of the underwear you own has stretched to sizes not usable by yourself but yet you continue to use them. When people ask you why, you look them square in the face and smugly say, "For comfort lah!"

#7. Your secret object of desire is a certain Singaporean A-list lesbian blogger whose blogging name sounds quite similar to an 80's band called Propagandhi.

#8. Your primary concerns in life deal with the following:
a) Balding
b) Not putting on weight at the right places
c) If your zip is zipped

#9. You watched the first Pokemon movie more times over the course of 1 month than you did with your favorite movie of all time over the course of 1 year.

#10. All this is you.

Baby Sa, Bodicea, and all others who've tagged me recently for a meme of rather similar themes, my response.

Swipe It

2007-03-15T11:05:00.000+08:00

Short Note
- I'm feeling much better today. A little extra sleep and lots of quiet time helps. Thanks everyone!

I'll never understand why some people insist on using their credit cards for paying for every little thing they buy. Yes, I know that with each swipe, they gain points that they can use to say redeem something completely useless like a Hello Kitty massager or an FM radio but seriously, a credit card for 2 measly items that barely amount to 20 bucks at the supermarket counter?

Dear sirs or madams who are guilty of such behavior, let me tell you something. The amount of time it takes you to complete your credit card transaction for a single item at the supermarket is the exact amount of time needed by the average asian male to readjust his underwear, check his pockets for loose change, check out the cute girl in the other counter aisle, AND still have time to send off three SMSes.

So please for the love of all the saints, bring cash with you to pay for small items. Credit cards were created for items that we would not normally carry cash around for. They were not, in any way, meant as a complete replacement for cold hard cash.

Remember this. You'll thank me for this reminder later on when you find yourself searching through every pocket in your miserable pants for coins to pay the little old auntie sitting behind a little old desk that blocks the entrance to some little old toilet that you desperately need to use thanks to you scoffing down one bowl too much of kimchi*.

So the next time any of you have the urge to swipe your card for an item like a tube of mints or a pack of condoms, think about all the poor people who are lined up behind you.

Chaos theory dictates that a butterfly flapping its wings in America would cause a hurricane in China. In the same way, you taking a hideously long time to pay for $1.99 of items would cause me to breathe down your neck which in turn would cause Taiwan to implode.

Think of Jolin Tsai. Think of the people. Pay with cash whenever possible.

*Kimchi - Fermented cabbage like dish that is common in Korea. Otherwise known as the diarrhea inducer.

Grass Don't Look So Green

2007-03-13T23:49:00.000+08:00

All humor aside.

I'm right back where I started back where I never wanted to be and it's difficult being here. It's scary to have the words "It ain't awful hard to tell what it's like, my little hell" make more sense to you at the moment than the words "It's a new day. Glory shines through the breaking of the sun" but yet they do.

We all make mistakes and it's okay and I'm trying hard to remind myself that. Oft repeated once too many times in my head but never enough.

It's hard moving on from here but getting this little off my chest helps a lot.

But as for now, I'm feeling ever slightly more phobic.

p.s. Apologies to all those who came here looking for a daily dose of humor or what is supposed to be humor. The author (myself) is taking a rain check today.

Creamy

2007-03-12T23:49:00.000+08:00

I accidentally spilt mayonaise from my Zinger burger onto my crotch area of my slacks while having dinner just now.

Anyone want to guess what the stain it left behind looked like? The person with the most creative guess gets a free drink on me. Not literally on me of course. So don't get any bright ideas.

Sticky Forehead Pencil Balancing Act

2007-03-11T21:58:00.000+08:00

Short Notes:
- Pick of the month is FINALLY updated along with the banner
- Starting a new personal photo project called "Singapore Before Bedtime". More details to follow

I swear that rednecks exist in South East Asia just as they do in America. Yesterday on the bus, I was sitting behind this boy and his mother. The boy was playing with a small little Ikea pencil (a small unpainted pencil roughly 6cm long) pretending it to be an aeroplane or whatnot. At a point in the journey, he decides to try to balance the pencil on his forehead.

Normally, this wouldn't be too hard to do. I've balanced way harder things to balance on my forehead before like a smelly sock. Don't ask. Anyway, the kid put the pencil to his forehead while looking forward and held it there for about 5 seconds or slightly more. Satisfied that it would stay on his forehead, he released his grip.

No prizes for guessing what happened next. Yes, it stuck on his forehead. In fact, it stuck on his forehead better than Julia Roberts sticks to one husband. (If you didn't catch that one, it meant it fell of his forehead)

Anyway, down went the pencil and onto the floor which has been trampled by thousands of feet before. Buses, unlike shopping mall floors, do not have little old men who should be retired to clean their floors. They remain dirty for the longest time ever. And so taking that into account, I was totally gobsmacked when the kid picked his pencil up from the floor and stuck it in his mouth.

I would've expected his mum to say something about that because after all, any normal parent doth surely protest at such unsanitary behavior. I know mine would. But I suppose not this mother. After all, she was preoccupied with digging her nose with her pinky finger and sticking it in her mouth.

I have this nagging suspicion that something runs in that family. I'm just not sure what.

The Truth About Men

2007-03-09T11:32:00.000+08:00

A friend asked me recently if all men view female friends as potential partners. It seems to be the general concensus among most females that this statement is true (that along with 'all men are pigs' and other lovely compliments like that) .

Because I am a man and have balls (two to be exact), I shall set the record straight. Not ALL men view their female friends as potential partners.

Why?

Because not all men are heterosexual.

'Nuff said.

I Have a Defective Finger

2007-03-07T23:44:00.000+08:00

Week 1 and a half of my fingerprint scanner project has revealed that I have a defective fingerprint pattern. While everyone who has demonstrated this wonderful piece of contraption (said with much sarcasm) to me has come out with a 100% success rate in scanning, the best I can master is about 50%.

I can imagine scenarios where this might prove useful like when I finally decide to kill all my enemies starting with you Barney the Purple Dinosaur you gaysonofabitch!

Of course in reality, a defective finger pattern could prove counterproductive especially when I getting through customs and my thumbprint fails to authenticate.

For all the uninformed, Malaysian customs employs a plethora of biometric devices to determine whether you are who you say you are. From facial recognition (authentication done by a bored Indian, Chinese, or Malay dude sitting behind a counter I believe) to thumb print recognition, the Malaysian passport has come from the most counterfitted passport to the least.

I can't wait till the day they authenticate my identity via semen samples. Now that'll be interesting.

I somehow predict the same 50% failure rate in my case.

The Real Cam Whore

2007-03-06T00:17:00.000+08:00

Dawn Yang, step aside babe. You can't possibly beat this.

Good Grief

2007-03-05T10:26:00.000+08:00

I was on the bus headed off to the south side (otherwise known as the rear end) of Singapore on Saturday. That bus I was on passes this certain convention center at the fringes of the city (sort of). I've been taking this bus for over half a year now and never once have I seen anything curious happen at that stop.

Until that Saturday that is.

The one thing really cool about convention centers is there's always an abundance of washrooms in them. If you're at one of the four corners (assuming the convention centers in your countries have corner) chances are, each of those corners has a little hideaway area for you to do your pee pee.

Which is why I really couldn't fathom why for the love of all the dead saints did this mother have to let her son pee at one of the trees there. I mean, had she just taken the effort to haul her son (he looked about 5 or 6) another 60 meters or so, she'd probably have come face to faced with one of those fabled toilets I mentioned.

I can only deduce that her son must have had a very full bladder or, they're mainland Chinese.

Barbed Wire Up Fanny, Gender Issues, Elmo Sex, and Bloggers Suck

2007-03-02T11:27:00.000+08:00

And now, something totally unrelated to the title of my post.

One.
I've been bashing my head on my desk now for the last five days thanks to this really fun project I've been handed. It involves writing a piece of software around a fingerprint scanner for this particular brand of IP telephones which I shall not name lest someone finds my skills invaluable and decides to offer me a high paying job. Anyway, in case anyone is interested, part of my woes centers around interfacing with the scanner via RS232 and making sense of the HEX values returned to moi.

If you find that fascinating, it means that you were born, bred, and live as a software engineer.

If you're anything like me, it's like having a barb wired rod shoved up your bung hole.

If you enjoy having barbwired rods shoved up your bung hole, go away.

Two.
A NUS student, female of course, kept stealing glances at me on the bus today. I have an acne the size of Russia on my face.

Three.
Just saw Elmo's leaked out sex tape with a teddy bear. It's amazing how much anal stuff people come up with for the TMX Elmos. So far I've seen TMX Elmo suicides, TMX Elmo on fire, TMX Elmo sex with Ernie, and TMX Elmo making a baby cry. Not all of these videos can be found on YouTube.com.

If you're wondering where I saw them, I shall not say. It's my little secret and I'm not sharing.

Four.
Got tagged by the lovely Baby Sa. So I shall once again rape a perfectly reasonable meme just because I can.

1. Who is the first blogger you met?
I can't remember if it's her, or her. My sense of time is really bad. But if I were to be completely honest, the first blogger I met is one whom I cannot name. Too bad.

2. Who is the 'Most Wanted to Meet' blogger for you?
Myself. Nothing would be cooler than bumping into myself on the streets.

3. Who is the 'Can meet, want to meet but somehow never got to meet' blogger?
And the list goes on and on. You guys know who you are.

4. Who are the group of bloggers you most want to meet?
Anyone who isn't as famous as Kenny Sia. The more unknown, the better.

5. Do you have any bloggers/blog readers that you wish to meet right now?
As in now now? Heavens no! Last thing I would want is for a blogger to pop by my office and see me typing this!

Six.
If you have somehow figured out that I lied in the very first sentence of this post, you're a genius. If not, ha ha.

Beun Friday everyone.

General Announcement

2007-02-28T10:46:00.000+08:00

In the midst of a very rushed project right now. Will blog sporadically until end of next week (Friday).

Light in the toilet is still out. I have nightvision abilities now.

The One Where They Were Force To Take a Shat In The Dark

2007-02-27T00:56:00.000+08:00

And so the lights in the office's toilet is bust. The boss has tried in somewhat in vain to try to fix it. Both bulb and starter have been swapped with existing working lights. I'm not too distressed about it. I can do my business in the dark and it doesn't bother me (pitch black darkness would best described our current latrine situation) although I cannot guarantee the accuracy of aim of my liquid output.

I guess that's one advantage women have over us men. Odds of a woman misfiring is way lower than a man.

It's strange to note that practically ALL men can pee in the dark and have no qualms about it but when it comes to taking a crap, that's where the stops gets pulled out. I reckon that half the men who grace the civilized side of this beautiful blue planet would refuse to take a shat in pitch black darkness.

I once knew a guy who refused to take a crap in a horridly dark toilet (we were camping and there was a makeshift toilet somewhere. God only knows where that thing emptied out to. God, keep it to yourself thank you) because he was afraid he would miss. To be fair, it was a squat toilet. But seriously, when you squat, your target is much nearer than when standing.

I guess the rationale behind that is, when a man pees and misfires, he can hold back his stream quickly and make the necessary adjustments and proceed with this trial and error phase for as long as there's pee in his bladders. But if you miss when you're taking a shat, there really is no turning back.

Back to the office toilet. In case anyone is wondering, yes, I did use the thing today a number of times. But instead of peeing in complete darkness, I brought in my handphone for vital illumination.

My only fear of doing my business in the dark is: not being able to locate the toilet paper.

Adventures in Heroes

2007-02-26T10:27:00.000+08:00

Short Note:
- Got tagged by Baby Sa but I'll save that for tomorrow
- STILL seriously behind in my blog reading. Dammit.

A friend of mine has recently got me hooked on that American TV series Heroes. What's not to love about a TV series with a tagline of "Save the Cheerleader, Save the World"? Oh, and while we're on that, I think the cheerleader is rather cute. She can save me anyday. But I digress.

Anyway, my friend passed me a DVD box set of the first 8 episodes (which she bought in China so the subtitles can get pretty screwed up) and I've been trying to watch them over the weekend (which explains why I eventually caught up with 0 blogs during that period). I say 'trying' because apparently, something is seriously wrong with my computer's DVD drive.

It has this odd tendency of getting really hot and not being able to read any DVDs after some 30 minutes of viewing which is really frustrating since every episode is about an hour long. Furthermore, that damn thing acts up where you least want it to. In other words, scenes where something important is about to happen.

So as it stands, after 3 days of trying to watch the damn series, I've only completed 4 episodes.

All I can say is, Hiro Nakamura is so farni.

Blog List Tag: Extremely Long

2007-02-23T10:31:00.000+08:00

Because I woke up with my brain is my ass this morning and I got tagged, I'm doing this tag that came my way via Yvy.

**Addendum**
For some odd reason, while reading the instructions, my brain broke and I stopped doing the meme. Whoops.

They Hunger

2007-02-22T00:06:00.000+08:00

God bless Chinese New Year. Everytime it comes about, every other Chinese hawker with 3 wrinkles on his/her forehead to scream about takes an extra day or two off from the official public holiday to shake his/her leg.

Don't get me wrong here. I'm not cursing their absence or "laziness" because God only knows that these guys deserve a good break after having to put up with whiney customers such as myself for almost an entire year without the standard 14 day office leave.

Instead, I'm mourning their absence. Because of nearly all the hawkers at the hawker center I go to for lunch were away yesterday, I had little choice but to eat the one that served the least filling dishes (It was either that or char kuey teow for lunch). And so I was left pretty much in hunger for the rest of the day while munching on tid bits to try to assuage my hunger.

But if I think I have it bad, the ants who roam my apartment must've been having it worse. When I got home, there was an entire congregation of them lifting up nail clippings from my nail clipper. They must be damn hungry to want to eat finger nails. Poor buggers.
.
.
.
Or maybe they were just attracted to the ba kua residue that was left under my nails.

Another Youth.sg Post

2007-02-20T23:43:00.000+08:00

Bear with me on this post. I really want to win that Nintendo DS they're giving out because I heard that you can well... Draw a penis on that thing. I know, I know. Extremely juvenile of me.

On The First Day of Chinese New Year

2007-02-19T00:50:00.000+08:00

On the first day of Chinese New Year my laptop died on me and left me feeling all magical inside. And by magical, I don't mean that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you're high on alcohol/drugs/medication/fart stink. I mean the magical feeling of wanting to kill/maul someone just to release a whole lot of pent up frustration.

Why the (as much as I'd like to swear right now, I know I shouldn't because it isn't good and whatnot but if there had to be a swear word to replace all this italic text, it'd start with a F) did my laptop's processor/hardisk have to burn now?!

Why of all things when I could really use it right now to help me pour through 1020 pages of documents and to hell, work on my outstanding tasks?!

Life has a real good way or ruining my week.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to put my head down on a pillow and cry.

I Miss...

2007-02-15T23:11:00.000+08:00

I miss having the time to write good posts on this blog.

I miss having precious minutes to reply to comments.

I miss reading all the blogs in my Bloglines reading list.

I miss commenting on all my favourite and friends' blogs.

And most of all, I miss them good ol' days where I had evenings all to myself.

Man needs his holiday. Thank goodness for this weekend!

You Look Great but I Look Better

2007-02-14T22:50:00.000+08:00

I saw you there and you saw me too. It was one of those strange encounters at the bus stop that you think would never happen to you. Our eyes met for the briefest moment and we both took in a deep breath.

What's it been? Two and a half years now since I last saw you? You looked different but still the same. As I stood there and contemplated whether or not I should go over and talk to you, you quickly snapped your head to look away from me and had that, "Oh god... Is he going to come over and say hi? Please no..." look written all over you and so I decided to just screw it and go catch my train.

I suppose that was a good call because what I wanted to tell you would've shocked you straight out of your heels.

I wanted to tell you to lose that cardigan because it made you look 10 years older. It really did.

You Know It's Valentine's Day When...

2007-02-13T22:46:00.000+08:00

...it's the actual day itself.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

And to all the singles, you and I both know that whole friendship day thing is a whole load of crap.

You Know It's Valentine's Week When...

2007-02-12T22:47:00.000+08:00

You know it's Valentine's week when there's an extra lot of couples out in town smooching about and just about every turn you take reveals some couple that you didn't notice before. It's like playing Where's Waldo only this time the Waldo that you have find is some lonely schmuck who's sitting in some quiet little corner sipping on a vanilla latte while trying not to notice any couples.

You know it's Valentine's week when you have this brilliant idea of ordering flowers and getting them delivered to close friends and family as a token of appreciation of all the support they've been giving you throughout the years but find out that every single flower down to the lowly dandelion in a quiet desolate field has been purchased weeks ago.

And finally, you know it's Valentine's week when the automatic flusher of the toilet bowl you were taking a jolly crap on decides it's time to flush itself causing your pretty little fanny (or in my case, extremely manly man flesh) to get extremely wet thus forcing you to use extra amounts of toilet paper to clean yourself up which in turn inadvertently leads to a large swath of Brazillian rainforest to be cut down in order to produce rolls of toilet paper to replace the one's you used.

In short, God bless Valentine's week. It's good to be single.

Applicationary Correct Usages Of Swear Words

2007-02-11T23:27:00.000+08:00

Somewhere in that title is a word that doesn't exist in the English dictionary. 10 points for whoever guesses it right. One of things that's always baffled me about swear words is how they're normally totally inappropriate expressions for just about every situation they're used in.

For example:
Guy A: Dude, you're dad's dead.

Guy B: Sh!t!

Notice how in essence, Guy B was quite literally exclaiming 'excretement' which is totally inappropriate for the occassion? So anyway, as a public service to mankind, I am hereby listing out what I think should be the proper usages of some common swear words.

Swear Word: Mother f---er!

Proper Usage: This swear word is best used on the best friend that just slept with your mother. Swearing this at a person who has not in fact slept with a mother is highly inappropriate because that might cause the guy so smile at you and go, "Yes I am".

Swear Word: A$$hole!

Proper Usage: This should never be used on a person who smells good. No matter how badly pissed off you are at the person this swear word was intended for, swearing this at them would only go to prove some odd fetish you have with bung hole smells.

Swear Word: Dickhead!

Proper Usage: Women, refrain from using this on men. Calling a man a dickhead is like praising him because to many men, their dickheads are like the shrines of ego. Don't believe me? Kick a man between his legs and see him weep. He's not crying because it hurts. He's crying because you just bruised his ego.

Two Bags and a Ticket to No Where

2007-02-09T16:10:00.000+08:00

From yesterday's question, I conclude that most of you guys are very conscientious people. I'm impressed! Personally, I don't think my conscience would allow me to shoot a guy even if the guy is someone who murdered my whole family and took a dump in my shoes and failed to leave a note warning me of this causing me to find this out when I slip my feet into my shoes. But then again, you never know what might happen at the spur of the moment where emotions override all rationality.

Anyway, it's a funny day in the office today. I've got a bag full of clothes and camera equipment and another with my laptop and office stuff (a pack of screwdrivers, masking tape, pliers, markers, pen knife, and a packet of cable ties. And to think that I'm a programmer) and a bus ticket to no where. Was supposed to be gone this weekend on a short holiday but unfortunately, all that fell flat on its face.

On the other hand, since I'll be home this weekend, I can finally get my laundry done. That's if my housemates don't beat me to it of course.

God bless the weekends.

Question of The Day

2007-02-08T00:22:00.000+08:00

Still too busy to write a proper post. I'll try to reply the comments as soon as possible. Sorry for not being able to respond fast enough guys.

Q: If you were thrown into a room with a handgun (no guys, not THAT one), someone you really wanted to kill right now, and a legal document permitting you to kill that person, would you do it? And why your decision?

Let's Talk About Me

2007-02-07T15:18:00.000+08:00

Because I'm interesting and someone realized this, I've been tagged to do this '5 Thing You Didn't Know About Me' meme. So thank you Veron for giving the chance to talk about me. Wise you were for tagging me.

And oh, a side note, sorry if I haven't been popping by any of your blogs (if I read them) or replying any comments. Have been ghastly occupied with work and no play.

And now...

#1. I Only Wear Clean Underwear. And I'm deadly serious about this. I once slept over at a friend's place a long time ago and didn't have any clean clothes with me (it was an impromptu event). The thing that kept me awake all night was the thought of that now one day old underwear I was wearing. I was so glad to be able to swap out of it the next day when I went home.

#2. I Hate Wedgies. I really do. I've gotten them quite a number of times. Once, I got wedgied so hard that my underwear lost most of its elaticity. I kid thee not.

#3. I've Been Kicked In The Nuts More Times Than I Have Fingers On Both Hands. One of the side-effects of being part of a martial art club during my secondary school years was that I got kicked in the nuts quite a lot. But to be fair, I gave a lot of other guys kicks in the nuts too.

Don't ask me if that little bugger still works. If you're female, we could find out together. Wink, wink.

#4. I Think Jellybeans Are The Greatest Thing On Earth. No. Seriously. Jellybeans rock. They are an absolute must have whenever I want a killer sorethroat. I love jellybeans. I really do. There is no sarcasm in this statement.

#5. I Love Taking The Bus. Now you shall all gasp in amazement. I think if I didn't have to take the bus to work, this blog would be missing a lot of content. Since I do, lucky you guys.

And that rounds up the 5 things you didn't know about me meme. Now, back to work I go.

When Troubled Children Roleplay

2007-02-06T00:05:00.000+08:00

This strip took an amazingly long time to do up and it still looks horrible. Oh well. Not bad for a first time effort I guess.